Is he the one?

I've been asked by other girls over the years how you know he is Mr. Right before you marry him. I struggled with that question because for myself I just knew deep down inside and I wasn't sure why I knew, I just knew. My dating story includes a time of testing that confirmed in my mind that he was the one because my heart learned during that time that it never wanted to be away from him....I had a hard time imagining what life without him would be like. While I had to answer this question "if I don't get to marry him will God be enough?" I knew in my heart that life without him would be incredibly difficult.

While I think that is key, there is also another factor that I've learned over the years really matters. It's one simple question. Do you know his character? Well, in order to know his character you must invest time in knowing him and you must take the time to meet his family and his friends. It's important to see him interact in the relationships he has around him and see how he acts in every way. Knowing his social circle and the kind of friend he is to others will tell you a lot about the kind of friend he will be to you. When you see him handle stressful situations, when you watch him respond to others who treat him poorly, when you see him honor or dishonor his parents, you will see character or the lack there of. It takes time to watch a man walk with the Lord and time will reveal his godly character.

While many a girl has taken a risk on an internet relationship or a quick marriage after only meeting a few months back, if it has worked, they have simply gotten lucky. You really have a 50% chance in that case of marrying a man of good character. In that case you can only "hope" that his walk with the Lord is sincere and deep. You have to take his word for it. If you have not spent time observing him in his other friendships and/or family relationships you may not know what you are getting. You want to know how he deals with difficult times and how he communicates in relationships. You want to know what type of leader he will be in the home. Will he lead as one responding to God's call or will he lead selfishly?

No he will not be perfect. Perfection is not the measure of a godly man. Only a heart that is teachable, honorable, honest, forgiving, humble, and striving to glorify God. Search out his character. It will take time but it's time well invested. You will either be driven away by his character or you will fall in love with it. You will measure his faults and decide if they are faults you can live with and be a source of encouragement to. If you bring each other down as individuals instead of push each other up to live to your fullest for God's sake, then don't marry. Marry a man who convicts you to be better for God. He will love you enough to tell you the things you don't want to hear but need to hear. Don't marry the man that only tells you the things you want to hear. Only marry if you know that you will be a stronger team for the living of God's will.

And pray. God will give you peace and show you if he is the one. Don't marry until you have that answer.

Love to Cook, Hate to Cook

Women today have decided that if they don't enjoy domestic work, have never learned, or don't know how that they should not be expected to do it. In an age where laziness is rampant, self-focus is encouraged, excuses are accepted, and the idea that I can make the world cater to me instead of me serving the world, believing-women have brought this thinking into their own homes. I know more and more women who "don't cook" and "don't clean" because (and I've heard it all) "I don't know how to cook," "I'm too tired," "I'd rather eat out," "it's too much work," "I can't possibly get it done so I need a maid," "I have better things to spend my time on," "I'm working a full time job," and the worst I've heard, "I don't like to cook."

Our great-grandmothers would be appalled at the excuses given and the attitudes behind them. I truly believe that. I'm sure they would wonder how so much was lost in just two generations. Is it our American wealth, or maybe the American slogan of the day that speaks of self, self, self, or maybe just laziness. The crazy thing is that we have so many more tools, products, resources, cookbooks, internet, appliances, and so forth that our great-grandmothers did NOT have. I'm sure we have never come close to working as hard as they had in one week's time just in caring for their family's basic needs.

My point, dear daughter, and dear grand-daughters of my future, is that there are plenty of days that I don't "like" to cook. I don't only cook because I like to cook. I do love to cook in general but there have been plenty of times that I wasn't in the mood or loving the experience of cooking. I cook because it is the best thing for my family. By cooking I provide my family with healthier foods, I spend my husband's paycheck with frugality, and I facilitate the training, habits, and bonding that are created at the dinner table which will be carried down for generations (the stuff that doesn't happen in a fast food joint). It may come as a shock to some but sometimes we have to do work that we don't like to do because we need to do it.

As a young pastor's wife another young pastor's wife told me that she had heard a man speak at a pastor's conference about how pastor's wives should have (are entitled to) a housekeeper. His reasoning was that the strains of ministry were so much that she would not possibly be able to care for a home and tend to the ministry. The workload would be too much and so she needs a housekeeper to take over the home so that she can be busy with ministry. I was so deeply struck by this comment. My mind wrestled with it for years.

As we began our lives in ministry I did feel overwhelmed. Yet, I took on more and more responsibility with church and my home suffered for it. My flesh kept wanting to cry out "I deserve a housekeeper!" knowing that we could not possibly afford one I began to grow bitter. Bitter at the man who had said I deserved one and bitter that the church wasn't paying my husband enough for us to have one. But there was another side to my thinking that kept nagging me. It was the side that said "no, my family and home comes first. That's my job. It belongs to no one else."

And so I wrestled with it some more...my flesh selfishly tugging me one way and the voice of reason and conviction trying to convince me that it was my job. Then I was super overwhelmed trying to take on both because it was too much. I could not do it all and something had to give. The day finally came when I realized that if I couldn't take care of my home then I had to cut back on ministry. I'm sure that seems pretty obvious but believe me it took years to figure that out. I had to learn that it was okay to not take on every ministry need just because I was the pastor's wife...that's a topic for a whole book....

My home and caring for it should be my joy. I should take pride and refuge in the job God has given me. It's a safe place to be....God's will is always a safe place to be. Cooking meals for my family is hard work and I don't always love it, but I do love being in God's will. I know it's God's will for me to serve my family, to work hard, to be frugal, to consider my family's best health, and to not be lazy. This has to do a lot with work ethic. If you believe that hard work is something to roll up your sleeves and tackle till it's done and you have no fear of hard work, this will come easy for you. If you are lazy and believe that you deserve to lay around, sit on the computer for long hours, neglect your laundry, cleaning, and cooking all the while lying to yourself that you have too much to do, that you are too tired, or that it's acceptable to say "but I don't like to do it"or "I'm no good at it" then this will be difficult for you.

If you are not good at it, then practice and get better. If you don't know how then find someone who does and ask them to teach you. If you don't like to cook then I pity you but you should still do it. I don't like grocery shopping but I do it. Think of the consequences if I just decided one day not to grocery shop any longer. Think of the consequences of a wife and mother that decides she doesn't feel like cooking very much. The majority of today's families in American are living that nightmare right now. They are oblivious to the consequences, the waste, the health crisis, and the attitude that they are passing on to the next generation.

When you are tired, rest, but then roll up your sleeves and press on.

good advice for young hearts

"Don't chase love that isn't there."

There is nothing quite so pathetic than a young girl making a fool of herself as she unashamedly flirts with a young man that shows no interest in her. I wish I had been given this advice at a young age. Do not chase love that isn't there...love that is only dreamed of or imagined. Maturity allows love to come to you. You won't have to chase it. Allow the man to show his fine chivalry by taking a risk on you. It's his manhood that is strong enough to put his heart out there and accept rejection if it is to come....it is not for the lady to expose her intentions first only to be rejected and humiliated. Obnoxious flirting never won anyone's true heart. Don't think that you have to flirt endlessly to get his attentions. Men usually notice all girls and put you into one of three categories. 1. a friend, 2. an attraction, or 3. someone to be avoided. Your excessive flirting will not move you from 1. over to 2. but it may move you from 1. or 2. into 3.

True love will come to you, you won't have to chase it.

"Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives." Jane Austen

Super Mom and why I'm not her

I'm learning that who I am as a "mom" TODAY matters and counts. It's easy to think that once life gets less busy or stressful that I can start being the "mom" I want to be. But reality is that my kids see no defining seasons in their childhood when it comes to their impressions of me as a mother. I don't get to edit their memories of me once they are done growing up.

I know women and know of women in history that I think of as "super-moms". They seem to have it all together....and accomplish amazing things. In the most difficult of circumstances they seem to shine their very best character and focus on the most important things. I'll use a fictitious character as an example....Mrs. Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. She was a super-mom. Always having the right words, the perfect words, unmatchable strength and faith. It didn't matter how bad things got, she shined and pressed on...always making the best of bad situations....impossible situations. It's easy to compare or be jealous of these kind of women (even if it's really just our perception of them)....their strength, their calm, or their ability to do 50 things at once.

I want to be super-mom. I really do. But day after day I fail to be her. Reality is that I can not compare myself to super-moms or Mrs. Ingalls for that matter. All I can do is my best. The measure and test isn't who I can "out-do" as a mother or wife. What matters is whether or not I do these three things.

Am I growing?
Am I striving?
Am I changing?

Those are the questions that I have to ask myself. Not "am I super-mom today?"

I often think of the stories I've read about real women in history who created great memories out of bad situations. Moms during the great depression who made a pot of soup out of one pea. Moms who made up a game to help make bad times pass. Moms who made their kids think it was for fun to glean fields for food. My grandmother who had ten children to care for and yet when one of them was sick, she would take the time to cut out a paper doll chain just to make them smile.

It's how I handle the tough times that will reflect the kind of mother I am. It's been a piece of cake in the past to create fun memories with my kids when things were going well and easy. It's in the trying times that I have to work hard at putting on a smile, being an encourager, and a comforter to them.

Children look to their parents during difficult times to know how to react or respond to something. I have a choice to convince them that God is in control or to convince them that we all need to panic. I have a choice to make fun memories in the midst of trials or to wallow in self pity. Whatever I choose, they will choose. They will mimic my reactions to life's trials.

I may not be super-mom, but with God's strength, I hope I can keep a smile on even when I fall short.

Raising Children is No Big Deal

Raising Children is No Big Deal

Raising kids is no big deal
Unless you care, and show great zeal

To raise a child is not some game
To put away, Boy! What a shame

When children reach adulthood burnt
Could there be lessons never learnt?

Those little things you often do
Will have much impact, copy you

Lean to God, while on the road
Cause raising right, takes one big load

Just try your best, no guarantees
And if you slip, jump back on please

Praying for a future spouse

Be committed to praying for your children's future spouse. Praying for your children is the best gift you can give them as a mother but praying for their future spouse is the icing on the cake.

I began praying for my own future spouse when I was in about junior high. I remember specifically praying for him (whomever he was) while I would jog in the afternoons. I kept praying for him all through high school not knowing that I had already met him by the time I was 16. I remember thinking shortly after we were married, "YOU are the one! I've been praying for YOU for years!!!!!!!!!" It was as if a surprise has been revealed to me! My heart had long been endured to this person's well being and spiritual walk...my spouse.

When I pray for my children's spouse I always preface it with God's will. I also pray for my children's singleness...because they will be single at least for a little while even if they marry. Yet if God is going to give them the gift of singleness then I pray for that as well.

Things I pray for my children's possible future spouses:
-their protection
-their childhood
-that they are surrounded by others who will give them the gospel regularly
-that they will know and love God from an early age
-that God will be molding them into the godly individual He desires them to be
-their parents
-the choices they make

What better way to endure your heart as a mother-in-law to the well being and spiritual growth of the person your child will someday marry.

motives of a modest heart

modesty is an issue of the heart....

"....the most important question is not, "What do I wear?" But instead, "What is the state of my heart?" Because the real issue ladies is the heart. How you dress on the outside says a lot about who you are on the inside. Our pastor John [MacArthur] made this great statement one time in a sermon; he said this, "The train of sin runs on tracks that were laid in the heart." So you must be very honest with your self about your motives. Why do you dress like you do? What kind of reactions are you trying to get?

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive and pleasant to the eyes of other people, but a woman must be very careful that, that does not cross a line and becomes something she craves, because that becomes a pride issue. We should never ever get secret pleasure from thinking that we are attracting attention from men. So we need to examine our motives, and I am dead serious when I say that you have to be brutally honest with yourself here, because our hearts can be deceptive.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, ""The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."

A woman can be trying to get attention from men and all the while pretending to herself that she is doing nothing of the kind. This is an area where we really need to pray the prayer of,

Psalm 139:23-24, where is says, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and…see if there is any wicked way in me."

In John MacArthur's commentary on 1 Timothy, he made this statement about the heart, "How does a woman discern the sometimes fine line between proper dress and dressing to be the center of attention? The answer starts in the intent of the heart. A woman should examine her motives and goals for the way she dresses. Is her intent to show the grace and beauty of womanhood? Is it to reveal a humble heart devoted to worshiping God? Or, is it to call attention to herself and flaunt her beauty, or worse to attempt to lure men sexually? A woman who focuses on worshiping God will consider carefully how she is dressed, because her heart will dictate her wardrobe and her appearance."

You know sometimes the problem is not even modesty, but instead it is a pride issue. Sometimes a girl can be relatively modest but she is very focused on buying certain name brands of clothes, or she always buys very expensive clothing, and she wants other people to notice that. That is just as wrong as being immodest, because that is a heart issue. So ladies, I implore you, examine the motives of your heart.

Never forget ladies that your clothing says something about you. A person's first impression, is often, and actually, usually based on outward appearance. When you walk in a room, before you have even said one word your clothes are making a statement, and if a woman's dress is a revelation of what's in her heart; what you are actually telling others is whether you have a modest heart or an immodest heart.

And while we are talking about externals here let me caution you to guard against being legalistic in this area. Legalism is an overemphasis on external things in the belief that, that is what produces spirituality, and unfortunately this mindset often leads to becoming self-righteous and judging other people by those same external standards.

Do you know what? You can be very modestly dressed and still have a wicked heart, or you can be immodestly dressed and just be naïve and need someone to come along side and help you. I cannot stress it enough ladies: it is all about your heart! It's not just about what you wear."

Pam Hardy

Plant a Garden

Plant a garden with your children. They will learn about so many things from just this one project.

A few that come to mind are:

work ethic
patience
loss
the make up of soil
the process of growing life
about seeds
caring for something young
bugs
nutrition
harvest
eating fresh foods
eating real foods
eating vine ripened foods
accomplishment
weeds and how they try to choke out life
sunlight
natural pesticides
water
seasons
weather
varieties of vegetables
varieties of herbs
team work
physical labor
responsibility
God's provision
God's creativity
God's creation
God's wisdom
and more....

Teach your children to grow their own food and you may have given them the great gift of preventative medicine for their future.

Questions to Ask Your Kids (be prepared to listen)

• How are your devotions?
• What is God teaching you?
• In your own words, what is the gospel?
• Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?
• Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?
• What’s daddy/mommy most passionate about?
• Do I act the same at church as I do when I’m at home?
• Are you aware of my love for you?
• Is there any way I’ve sinned against you that I’ve not repented of?
• Do you have any observations for me?
• How am I doing as a dad/mom?
• How have Sunday’s sermons impacted you?
• Does my relationship with mom make you excited to be married?
• (On top of these things, with older kids, always inquire about their relationship with their friends and making sure God and His gospel are the center of those relationships. And I look for every opportunity to praise their mother and increase their appreciation and love for her.)

What I've Learned About House Cleaning

Using the right tools make cleaning faster, easier, and more efficient.
It's worth investing in good cleaning tools.

Using the right cleaning products make cleaning faster, easier and more efficient. Don't skimp on good cleaning products.

When cleaning your own house, keep a full set of cleaning supplies in each bathroom so that you don't have to cart them around your house when cleaning.

When cleaning someone else's house, keep your supplies in an easy to carry cleaning tote.

For hardwood floors, use a microfiber mop made for hardwood floors. Keep 50% water and 50% vinegar in a spray bottle and spray the floor as you mop with a microfiber mop. For really dirty hardwood floors use Pinesol (now safe for hardwood floors) and a kitchen mop...just be sure to soak up as much water as possible.

For ring-around-the-toilet bowl use a pumice stone made for cleaning toilets.

A good vacuum is worth the investment!

Rags are essential. I used to only use a sponge but when I started cleaning houses for a living, I learned how fast rags make the work go. Just be sure to only use bathroom rags in the bathroom and kitchen rags in the kitchen. You can't have enough rags. I buy them in the automotive section of Walmart in a dozen pack.

An extendable duster works great for hard to reach cobwebs and ceiling fan dusting. Get one.

Furniture polish not only keeps your furniture in great condition but it also gives furniture a fresh look.

A good pair of running shoes is vital to cleaning house!

got laundry stains?

Once the washer machine is filled (don't be afraid to use hot water-unless it's blood stains then use cold), let it run for about 5 minutes to mix the soap in good. Then turn it off and let it sit and soak for at least an hour if not longer.

Using Oxiclean helps too. The Oxi spray and the Oxiclean powder both do an amazing job.

For extra tough stains try rubbing a Fels Naptha bar on the stain or soaking in vinegar. Soaking in vinegar also helps remove bad smells.

Hydrogen Peroxide takes out blood stains and other stains on white clothing.

Tea is for Talking

I purposed last year to start having afternoon tea with my daughter once a week. It forces me to put aside the chores that need to be done, the never ending demands of cooking and caring for the home, and just sit back and enjoy my daughter. I also wanted to have a time where we could connect and talk about important things, silly things, questions about life that she has, or things on her mind that are bothering her.... Sometimes we have deep discussions or I am able to impart wisdom to her. Other times I've been able to explain something about the world or subside her fears about something. Sometimes we just talk and enjoy each other's company and our mutual love for all things tea.

My hope is that this habit of having tea will be a constant in our relationship as she grows into a woman and life becomes busy for her as well. I want us to already be at ease with one another when the awkward teen years hit. I want her to always feel comfortable asking her questions or getting encouragement from me over a cup of decaf apricot (our mutual favorite). I pray that our tea times will last long into her adult years and if she has daughters, I hope they can benefit from our time as well or even join us. This is a tradition that I thought through and purposed in my heart to be a priority. It doesn't always happen because life and evil pull me away from being faithful to it.

Dearest Emilee, I hope I can keep our tea times constant through your growing years and that I will not fail you by letting them slack off. Keep asking me "mama, can we have tea?" When you ask me, it causes me to take a deep breath and stop. In my mind I'm thinking of all the things that need to get done today but I quickly remind myself that there are ALWAYS "things" to get done.....and they'll always be waiting for me....but you- you won't wait for me. You keep growing up and I have to be the mom I want to be NOW. Right now, I need to be the image of the mother I long to be in my heart....I have to choose to be her today. And so we stop, we sit, we sip, we talk. And OH how I cherish our talks. I love you little one.

the calling of "mother"

In every generation, mothers must answer the call to be what no one else can be, to do what no one else can do for their children. It isn’t that mothers can’t do many other things, but if they refuse to accept their calling as a mother, some child ends up shortchanged, and the empty space that mother leaves echoes for generations. Mothers are neither the cause of all of society’s ills, nor the saviors of the nation. But the future of society does depend in part on what we do with the children under our care. What calling could be more significant or more glorifying to God?

A Mother’s Heart by Jeanne Fleming

a vision statement for a mother

"Oh that God would give every mother a vision of the glory and splendor of the work that is given to her when a babe is placed in her bosom to be nursed and trained! Could she have but one glimpse into the future of that life as it reaches into eternity; could she look into it's soul to see it's possibilities; could she be made to understand her own personal responsibility for the training of this child, for the development of its life, and for it's destiny,- she would see that in all God's world there is no other work so noble and so worthy of her best powers, and she would commit to no other hands the sacred and holy trust given to her." - JR Miller

Homemaking Internship

"But the truth is that homemaking involves so much more than just cleaning a house. The commands in Scripture to love, follow, and help a husband; to raise children for the glory of God; and to manage a home encompass a vast responsibility. Homemaking requires an extremely diverse array of skills—everything from management abilities, to knowledge of health and nutrition, to interior decorating capabilities, to childhood development expertise. If you are to become an effective homemaker, then you must study these subjects and many more.

Finally, back to you, daughters. Let me encourage each of you to embrace your mother’s domestic teaching. Allow her to probe your heart and direct your affections toward the home. And take it one step further. Appoint yourself as your mom’s homemaking assistant. In addition to your assigned chores, be on the lookout for practical ways you can shoulder more of her homemaking responsibilities. In so doing, you will not only receive vital training for your future mission, but you will honor God by expressing your femininity today. In conclusion, let me leave you with these words from John Angell James:

My young friends, let it be
your constant aim, and at
the same time your earnest
prayer, that you may first of all
thoroughly understand your
mission, and then diligently
prepare for it, and hereafter
as successfully fulfill it."

Carolyn Mahaney

Read the whole article here. I'm printing it for my daughter.