Ministry, Marriage and Mistakes

While I realize that this video will not print up into this blog when I make it a book, I decided to share it here, regardless, for any that are following this blog. My husband and I watched this video last night and I was moved to tears and a very long discussion took place after it was over as we marveled about our own sin in these areas of ministry and our marriage. While we have not struggled with all of the things mentioned or to the extent that he describes some pastors and their wives struggling with, we were convicted as we looked back over our years of ministry and how ministry has it's way of silently creeping it's way into your life as an idol.

It's applicable to couples who are not in full time ministry as well. If we don't protect our families and prioritize correctly we will suffer the consequences. While convicted and even grieving over our past struggles I was also encouraged by all the things I realize now that we've done right. We haven't become a statistic and our marriage has stayed close and very intimate through it all despite poor management at times on our part. Praise God.

Every couple entering church planting or full time ministry should have to watch this before they commit to go into ministry. God help the church and the pastors who lead them.

Young Mothering

Dear young mother,

It seems like everyone wants something from you. And you’re probably already giving way more than you ever thought you could give. But even with all your giving, you might struggle with guilt—lingering, joy-drenching, energy-sapping guilt—that you should be doing more, giving more, accomplishing more.

Don’t waste that guilt. Pay attention to it. Use it. Take it out of the shadows and examine it in light of Scripture. Is this a godly grief that leads to repentance or a worldly grief that produces death (2 Cor. 7:10)? Is it life-giving or life-depleting? Ask yourself, does this bring fresh joy and peace to those nearest me, or does it add unnecessary stress and strain to my home?

Don’t feel guilty over making your children your primary ministry investment in their early years. Your availability, sensitivity, affection, and unhurried attention are irreplaceable.

There are no neutral moments in a young child’s life. Someone is going to be influencing your children, inculcating values and imprinting standards on their impressionable young minds. Let it be you!

Accept your calling from God to serve your family. As a mother, you are helping to shape the souls of your children for Christ and ultimately influence the world. Your children are your gift to the future.

Does this mean you will never invest in others outside your family? Goodness, no. But if you are a young mother, stay on mission. Use your primary ministry of mothering to serve Christ now. Don’t let anything diminish your unique role as a wife and mother. It is not godly guilt that would call you away from a wholehearted investment in your little ones for his sake.

This season in your life is just that—a season. And each season is a divine calling from our creator and king. Organizing a new event at church is important. Teaching your little boy to be kind to his sister is also important. But which one can best be done by you during this season? Serve God well by ministering to your children first. Very soon they will be grown and gone, and you will be unable to recapture the teachable moments you have now.

Mothers, listen to Psalm 78:4-7: “We will . . . tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders he has done . . . that the next generation might know . . . so that they should set their hope in God.”

taken from The Resurgence Blog

Partings in Marriage

"Make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes" (celebrate his comings and make the least of his leavings)

I got this advice a little too late. When I was a young bride of 20 years old, I hated when my husband had to leave the house...even for work. Silly looking back on it. I would pout and make him feel guilty for leaving me. Yet, I have always excelled at making the most of his comings. Even when the children were toddlers I always rallied them into a frenzy when Daddy was returning home. We would jump up and down and shout together "Daddy is home!" and he'd walk in the front door only to get clobbered with hugs and kisses. We've kept this up and he is always greeted with a rush to the door and hugs all around...even knock-you-down-hugs as my kids affectionately call them.

Years into parenting, my husband once told me how much he loved that I made his returning to the family such a moment of celebration. It means a lot to him.

I out grew my pouting when he had to leave. Thankfully! Now I try to see him off with the same smile and kiss that greets him when he returns. Hopefully it shows him that I'm happy to hold down the fort while he is away.

Free or Slave?

"[Feminism] is mixed up with a muddled idea that women are free when they serve their employers but slaves when they help their husbands." ". --G.K. Chesterton, The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton, vol. 4, p. 440

On being a stay-at-home-daughter

Whenever a conversation about raising homemakers gets started, you can be sure to expect a few standard responses. The one I most enjoy answering is: “Well, that’s all fine and good if a girl gets married at eighteen or twenty, but that’s not really likely in this day and age. What is she supposed to do with her in-between time? And what if she never gets married at all? Wouldn’t those homemaking skills go to waste? And wouldn’t her other gifts go to waste as well?”

Up until my sophomore year in high school, I wasn’t training to be a homemaker. Far from it, I thought that most housewives were housewives because they didn’t have the intellect or ambition to be anything else. I wanted to go to NYU to explore my interest in filmmaking -I wanted to go to Oxford to learn English and history at the school where my dad had done much of his post-graduate work. I wanted everything… except for the little white house with the picket fence -if you had asked me in high school whether or not I ever wanted a family of my own, I’d have answered you that I was pretty sure my spiritual gift was singleness.

Despite being raised by a homemaker (a stellar homeschool mama who graduated cum laude from one of the biggest historically black colleges in America) and loving her dearly, I always remember asking my mom how she “gave everything up” to be at home with us. She would always smile at me patiently, a twinkle in her eye, and say that she didn’t know how she had given up the opportunity to invest in her home for something else in the first place.

Even as my college dreams were gently laid to rest -as the Lord slowly began convicting me of the condescending attitude I had towards “those girls” who wanted nothing more than to be wives and mothers when they grew up -I found opportunities to use and nurture the gifts, passions, and abilities I had in this new context: the home.

Now twenty, I am what some would call a “stay at home” daughter. I have chosen to live at home under the covering of my family until marriage. It’s a complete turnaround from my former ambitions, and the only thing I could tell you about the girl who writes this article vs. her fiercely independent and ambitious high school counterpart is that I have really patient parents, who wanted to support me in whatever post-high school path I chose to take, and who constantly inspired me to stay immersed in God’s Word -I read fantastic resources that highlighted the beauty of a homeward calling -and I serve a mighty God, who changed my heart. I’m still headstrong -and I’m still ambitious -but my focus has changed. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman more than anything else in this world.

But what about these in-between years? Surely, learning to cook and clean should only take so much time. Can’t I go to college and get a career in the meantime, and drop it all when I get married?

I am a junior in an online college program, working towards an English literature degree. I am an aspiring author who just signed her first publishing contract last month. I am currently finished with the first draft of my first book and started on a second. I was the sole employee for my dad’s online store from sixteen to nineteen, and by the time we outsourced, I was filling one hundred orders and taking about twice that many phone calls a week. After I have my B.A., I would love to pursue a nouthetic counseling certification, and am already making plans to start my first home business teaching an literature/history/writing class.

Most importantly, I have a family to serve -five brothers, four of whom are five and under who keep me incredibly busy between wrangling and homeschooling (my mom lets me homeschool my three-year-old brother, which is a rewarding learning experience for both of us) -a dad who needs a research assistant, sometimes one who’s ready to run through three to five books a week to find what he needs -and a mom to whom I am an apprentice, from meal-plans to laundry to errands to anything else that she needs to do on a day-to-day basis.

I don’t assume that I will be married someday -the ratio of women to men in America is roughly 2 to 1, and, as a black woman, I know that there is a 54% chance that I will remain single. Although I do trust that, if it’s the Lord’s will that I marry, it only takes one man -the right man -to walk into my life for that to happen, I have lived a full life -I could ask for nothing more than the opportunities the Lord has given me here, or the room I have to take advantage of them.

If I don’t get married for ten years -if I never get married -I am planning to continue to develop those Proverbs 31 skills to bless my family, church, and community. If I have a homeward focus during singleness and end up remaining single, I have lost nothing -I have gained practical skills that have helped me to have a full life at home doing what I love with the people I love. If I spend my time only investing in those passions of mine that have nothing to do with becoming that Proverbs 31 woman, I have lost a lot of vital time in preparation, and, I would argue, some pivotal years of growth and ministry.

I am an individual -the Lord made me unique -special. The same is true of you -of your daughters -of your mothers. Embracing a homeward calling does not eradicate those unique aspects of my personality. It just focuses them on the most beautiful context I could possibly use them in: my home (Titus 2:3-5) . The more I learn about the exciting sphere of the home, the more I understand the secret behind my mother’s smile: honestly, there is no place I’d rather be.

Jasmine Bauchum

Like you haven't seen her in a long time.....

Today, Emilee and I ran some errands together. At one point while at the check out counter, Emilee and I were discussing our purchase together while the kind woman behind the counter waited for us to make up our minds. The woman interrupted and asked me, "is she your daughter?"

I answered, "Yes, she is. Why? Does she not look like me?"

The woman behind the counter answered, "oh no, it's just that you are talking to her like you haven't seen her in a long time."

I was puzzled. I wasn't sure how to take that. After much pondering I figured I could take it as a compliment.

I hope that I speak with such love and adoration for my daughter that when I speak to her it's as if we've been reunited after being apart. I hope that I respect her feelings and opinions so that our conversation may seem to be extra polite and considerate of each others feelings. May I always respect her input on decision making with every day things as if I'm giving her preference on a special day of being reunited. I hope that I speak to my daughter as if every day with her is like a day reunited after a long parting. May I always treat her as if every day were a celebration to be together again.

Are other mothers and daughters in the store just bearing with one another, not connecting with one another, and distant from one another that Emilee and I seem an odd pair? Do we stand out because our love shines through to the point that one would think we were celebrating a long parting by going out shopping together? If that is the case then Amen! and Amen again!

take time

Life will always be busy (unless we eat the bread of idleness). I have found that if I wait for a "free moment" to have fun with my kids, to visit an elderly friend, to spend some quality time with my husband, or even to put my own feet up for a bit that it will never happen.

It might sound silly but actually scheduling some of those events onto my calendar can help make sure they happen. Cleaning my house can wait, the to-do list isn't going anywhere, and the laundry will eventually get done. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never got around to the important things because I was always too busy with housework, obligations, and to-do lists.

While keeping house, following through with obligations, and working hard to accomplish to-do lists are important in a different way, we have to find balance. Balance is the key to the busy woman's life. Balance is obtained with careful planning, conviction, maturity, prayer, and being relationship oriented instead of selfish.

In my efforts to be a hard working keeper of my home, faithful to my role as wife and mother, I can not forget to take time for other things. Schedule time, set aside time, plan out times, make those times happen. Sometimes it's a lot of work, like planning a family fun day that includes an outing but it's worth the work that goes into it. You won't regret the times you took to do those things.

Take time.

Homemaking Internship

"But the truth is that homemaking involves so much more than just cleaning a house. The commands in Scripture to love, follow, and help a husband; to raise children for the glory of God; and to manage a home encompass a vast responsibility. Homemaking requires an extremely diverse array of skills—everything from management abilities, to knowledge of health and nutrition, to interior decorating capabilities, to childhood development expertise. If you are to become an effective homemaker, then you must study these subjects and many more.

Finally, back to you, daughters. Let me encourage each of you to embrace your mother’s domestic teaching. Allow her to probe your heart and direct your affections toward the home. And take it one step further. Appoint yourself as your mom’s homemaking assistant. In addition to your assigned chores, be on the lookout for practical ways you can shoulder more of her homemaking responsibilities. In so doing, you will not only receive vital training for your future mission, but you will honor God by expressing your femininity today. In conclusion, let me leave you with these words from John Angell James:

My young friends, let it be
your constant aim, and at
the same time your earnest
prayer, that you may first of all
thoroughly understand your
mission, and then diligently
prepare for it, and hereafter
as successfully fulfill it."

Carolyn Mahaney

Read the whole article here. I'm printing it for my daughter.

I hold the tone in my own hands....

The longer I'm a wife and mother, I realize just how much I hold the happiness of our home in my power. How I act and speak always sets the tone for our home. My attitude can either bring destruction and everyone else down (tears down her home with her own hands) or it can be the joy, the positiveness, and build everyone up. I choose each day if I will discourage my family and make my home a difficult place to grow and thrive in or if I will create an atmosphere of love, acceptance, nurture, wisdom, rejuvenation, spiritual focus, and rest. This is crucial not only to the little souls that are being molded in my home, and my husband who daily comes back to home from toiling in the world to find refreshment and rest for his body, mind, and soul, but also the guest or stranger who comes to be ministered to in my home. Everything about my home (order, decor, comforts, etc.) has a part in this outcome but it starts with my own personal outlook and behavior. It starts with the smile on my face and the peace in my own heart.

The hardest times to choose joy is when I'm under personal grief, stress, or turmoil. And yet, I find that those seem to be the most important times for wife and mother to stand firm with a smile. I can either panic and grieve, OR I can be a vessel reflecting the truth from God, that we have nothing to fear, for we are in God's hands. All is at peace and rest.

pro-marriage and pro-family decisions

Make "pro-family" and "pro-marriage" choices for your family. When big decisions in life have to be made measure each decision by whether or not it is a pro-family and pro-marriage choice. Many men (leaders of the home) and wives (jointly) today make decisions for their families (jobs, house, location, church, investments, vacations, schooling, purchases, etc.) that are not "pro-marriage" or "pro-family". They choose things that do not promote their family life or the growth of their marriage, but rather hinder and burden their marriage and their parenting. With each decision ask yourself "does this help our marriage or put a strain on it?" and "does this encourage our family life or effect it negatively?"