Ministry, Marriage and Mistakes

While I realize that this video will not print up into this blog when I make it a book, I decided to share it here, regardless, for any that are following this blog. My husband and I watched this video last night and I was moved to tears and a very long discussion took place after it was over as we marveled about our own sin in these areas of ministry and our marriage. While we have not struggled with all of the things mentioned or to the extent that he describes some pastors and their wives struggling with, we were convicted as we looked back over our years of ministry and how ministry has it's way of silently creeping it's way into your life as an idol.

It's applicable to couples who are not in full time ministry as well. If we don't protect our families and prioritize correctly we will suffer the consequences. While convicted and even grieving over our past struggles I was also encouraged by all the things I realize now that we've done right. We haven't become a statistic and our marriage has stayed close and very intimate through it all despite poor management at times on our part. Praise God.

Every couple entering church planting or full time ministry should have to watch this before they commit to go into ministry. God help the church and the pastors who lead them.

How To Help Your Husband When He's Criticized

this is long but really good

In early March, C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney addressed a room full of couples being trained for pastoral ministry at the Pastors College. Soon these couples will return to their home churches to begin (or resume) the public and transparent life of pastoral ministry.

A question asked by one of the wives was simple: How should a wife respond when her pastor-husband is criticized? The question was asked in the context of pastor’s families, but the answer will likely benefit all married couples.

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Question: Carolyn, as a pastor’s wife, how do you handle situations where your husband is criticized or there is grumbling in the church about your husband?

Carolyn: Obviously, it certainly isn’t easy to have your husband criticized. But as wives, we must recognize our role as our husband’s helper and make sure we don’t take up an offense, which would not be helpful to our husbands. And that does not take place without a fight. This is the person you love the most in the whole world, and if someone is criticizing him, you can be easily offended and want to defend him. Yet, I must realize that taking an offense would be a disservice to my husband. So it’s important that we as wives guard our hearts, making sure we don’t take up an offense, seeking to serve our husbands as helpers.

C.J.: Your point is an excellent one. There have been many times that I have desired Carolyn to take up an offense—“Join me in my offense against this individual.” I’m not immediately happy that she hasn’t taken an offense, but I have learned that eventually she has served me invaluably when she does not take up an offense. In no way is she defending or justifying what others have said or done, but helping me monitor my heart, and impressing upon me that a sinful reaction from me would be more serious than whatever they are saying or doing, are the most effective ways she can serve me.

Sadly, over the years we have witnessed couples in ministry where wives have taken up an offense.

And this doesn’t just apply to sinful criticism, but also to when a husband is legitimately corrected by a member of the pastoral team or a member of the church. So you need both those categories. It’s difficult when those serving with your husband correct him in a certain area or bring an unfavorable evaluation. A wife might find herself more vulnerable to taking up an offense when her husband has been corrected. I am grateful for the way Carolyn has served me by not taking up an offense. And numerous times she has agreed with the correction, protecting me from arrogantly dismissing the correction and preventing me from sowing discord among those I serve in ministry.

So, whether it’s sinful criticism or legitimate correction of me, how do you guard your heart, Carolyn?

Carolyn: Wives should carefully listen to what’s being said. If there is something legitimate, bring that lovingly and carefully to your husband. I don’t think it serves a husband for a wife to just take the side of the person bringing criticism. But if there is a degree of truth, bring that in a way that serves him.

And just helping to mirror back to him what you are hearing him say. If he is sinning in response to the criticism, where appropriate, lovingly mirror that back to him: “It seems like this is how you are responding. Is this true? Are you offended at this person? Are you bitter?” Asking skillful questions.

It takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching in our own hearts to keep our hearts free from taking up an offense. But we must have a conviction about our role as our husband’s helper and ask, “What will truly help my husband?” It will not help him if I’m adding to the temptation he’s already experiencing. If he is being corrected or criticized, he’s already got a battle he is fighting. And if I come along and agree and participate in that, it makes his battle more difficult.

My husband has gone through seasons of correction, and it’s a temptation and fight. So I find myself having to pray for those who bring criticism or correction and filling my own heart with appropriate Scriptures so I can be a true helper to him during that time.

C.J.: Yes, but where they have been accurate observations—whether critics analyzing or friends correcting—you have courageously transferred that to me. Too often I have not been grateful in the moment. Eventually, I am grateful.

Would you say that one of the biggest challenges these ladies will confront as pastors wives is will be—when they hear the criticism or correction and they find there are aspects they agree with—how to inform their husbands of that without appearing to support any sinful attitude of others?

Carolyn: Yes. And I have through the years seen wives not do that, I’ve seen the effect and the outcome, and it has put the fear of God in me. At the moment it’s not always easy to take a stand and say, “I don’t think you’re responding humbly to this situation right now.” And it takes courage. Yet we’ve seen, because we’ve been in ministry for as many as we have, some very sad situations where I think wives really could have been the difference-maker if they would have challenged or confronted their husbands.

C.J.: So wouldn’t you say that over the years that some wives misunderstood submission and honor (or so it appears)? I think that has played a role. And for some it could be fear of man—fear of husband.

I can tell you this: For any marriage, correction of the husband by the wife would be one category on my short list of most important. If I observed a wife who was reluctant to correct her husband I would be concerned with that marriage. Obviously, I’m not arguing for a contentious marriage, but correction, humbly communicated, must be part of every marriage.

Part of what Carolyn has modeled personally and taught well is what she taught at the last Leadership Conference—“Watch Your Man”—in broadening an understanding and application of “helper” to include appropriate correction. I would argue that correction is not just part of marriage but an aspect of what it means to be fellow heirs of the grace of life.

Carolyn’s encouragement has been of immeasurable benefit to me, but equally so or more, on balance, has been her correction. She has protected me when sin was deceiving me. What a gift this has been to me!

Idols in the Christian Home

Upon entering the home of an understandably tired young mother, she lamented that her house was not tidy. She also described how she had prayed to Jesus for the kids to be more organized and clean, but Jesus was of no help at all. As I looked around the house, it actually seemed quite clean and tidy for being occupied by young children. There were a few toys out on the floor, but that was about it. Later in our visit, she actually said, “Everything is perfect until the kids wreck it.”

Her home had become her idol. Whenever her children left a toy out or spilled their juice, they were not merely sinning or making a mistake. To her, they were ruining her life and vandalizing her perfect, heavenly home. Or, to say it another way, they were not worshiping her idol. So, she prayed to Jesus, asking him to turn her children into idol worshipers who never left anything out or made a mess. Her frustration with Jesus was that he did not respect her dominion in her home/kingdom and was refusing to submit to her rule and serve her idol.

Furthermore, she was making her own children miserable, with the exception of one daughter who labored to keep the house clean like her mom and berated her siblings; she was turning into a second-generation, self-righteous idol worshiper. Making matters worse, when dad got home from work, he would grab a beer, sit in his chair, watch his television, and tune out his wife and children, ignoring what was going on in the home. His idol was comfort, and his beer, chair, and flat-screen television were his functional saviors. Saviors he preferred worshiping over Jesus, who wanted him to apply the gospel to himself, his wife, and their children so they could each smash their idols and live as worshipers of God alone; waiting for the day when they get to enjoy the perfect home Jesus is preparing for us.

taken from Resurgence

the power of a woman

The Influence of a Woman

Under the influence of a woman, cities have crumbled (Joshua 2-6), and kings have caved (Mark 6). The power that a woman has to influence those around her is one of her strongest resources. And yet, some of us underestimate this influence. Scripture says differently.

The faith of a woman directly affects the atmosphere of her home and shapes the dynamics of her marriage.

We had a saying growing in our house. “If momma ain’t happy, there ain’t nobody happy.” With this one comical phrase we acknowledged the external impact a woman’s attitude had on those living around her. If she was pleasant and contented, the home was calm and happy. But if she was sputtering about something that really made her mad, the house was on edge and chaotic. Proverbs says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” Why? Because the attitudes women have directly affect the atmosphere of their homes.

What type of environment are we creating in our homes? Our faith is being continuously influential on those around us. We can’t choose who or when our faith impacts them, but we can always choose how. How is your faith impacting your home?

The faith of a woman directly influences the direction of her children and grandchildren.

There’s no denying Rahab was a woman of great influence. Her faith in Israel’s God outshined even some of the Israelites. It was her faith that enabled her to go out on a limb and help the spies escape. It was her faith that threw the scarlet cord out her window in an effort to save her household. I don’t know about you, but I think if I knew the city walls were about to crumble I would suddenly develop an interest in camping…OUTSIDE the city limits! My stuff would be packed and I would be leaving…and I’m not so sure I would see the logic of hanging a scarlet cord outside my window in “hopes” that my house wouldn’t come toppling down with the rest of Jericho. But this is what Rahab does, and her faith is evident to all. It directly affected the nation of Israel. It eventually affected her descendent, Boaz, who is a man known for his righteousness. And ultimately, it brought a legacy of faith for the generations that came behind her to follow after (Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25). Rahab’s faith directly influenced the direction of her children and the generations of children that followed.

The faith of a woman potentially moves a nation.

In the grand scheme of things, it is unlikely that Esther ever thought that her life would amount to much. She was an orphan. She was Jew. She was a woman. Three strikes…you know the saying. Even though she was an unlikely candidate for national fame, she did have three things going for her. She was an orphan…with a wise uncle. She was a Jew…meaning that she was part of God’s chosen people. She was a woman…and a beautiful one, to boot. And what seemed to be her pitfalls in life, turned out to be the very catalysts that propelled her to stardom: Queen of Persia.

It is evident that she had faith. She listened and obeyed the authority God had put in her life (Esther 2:20). She fasted and prayed, and called on the nation to fast and pray as well (Esther 4:16). She stepped out in faith believing in God to take an impossible situation and turn it for His people’s good (Esther 5). Her faith moved the heart of a godless king to have faith in her as well (Esther 8:8).

While it’s unlikely you or I will ever have the chance to be the Queen of Persia, we must not limit the potential our faith can have on changing a nation for Christ. The question isn’t who are you influencing. The question we must ask ourselves is HOW? How is my faith affecting those I come into contact with? In an effort to be positive influencers to the world around us, Mary Kassian offers four key ingredients that every wise woman takes to heart:

1. Choose positive and not negative influence. In other words, in order to choose what type of influence you are becoming, discern what types of influences you are letting in to your life.
2. Affecting Others through Strength of Character. Peter speaks about women using their conduct as a source of impact on an unbelieving husband, “that they may be won by the conduct of their wives.” (I Peter3:1-2)
3. Judicious with Words. Proverbs 16:23 says, “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.” A woman’s speech holds great power to influence those around her. Be wise with your words.
4. Rely on God to Effect Change. As Mary Kassian says, “A positive influencer kn ows that ultimately it is God, and not she, who effects positive change in a person’s life. So she relies on Him and on her most potent, influential tool – prayer.”

It is true: we are all influencers. We can’t choose who we are going to influence, or when we are going to influence them. But we can always…always…choose how.

(Sarah Bubar is a frequent contributor to the Girls Gone Wise blog. This post originally appeared on that site. For more excellent articles on biblical womanhood, please see www.girlsgonewise.com)

on being a mom

“I don’t just want my kids to be moral. I don’t just want them to know all of the Biblical rules for behavior. I don’t just want them to make it through my home with good grades, no drug addiction, and no premarital sex. I want them to leave my home with a hunger and passion to know God personally and to be used by Him to accomplish great things for His kingdom.”

“As I walk honestly before God, with my children watching, they will learn how to have a real relationship with Him as well. As they see me apologize to them and pray in front of them to ask for God’s forgiveness in my own life, my children will learn that God is a God of grace who forgives me and guides me. My worshiping Him in gratitude for a beautiful sunset or a rainbow gives them a pattern for their own spontaneous worship. As my children see me in the deep waters of life, being tested to my core and still holding on to my Lord and choosing to believe the best, this observation will prepare them for their own trials which will surely come. They will know that He will guide and forgive them as they lead an imperfect but devoted life before a loving Father who has always met their mother’s needs!”

“I don’t have to be a perfect mother – just an authentic believer.”

Sally Clarkson The Mission of Motherhood

Praying Together

"Couples who do not pray are as badly off as those who stop sleeping together. Like lovemaking, prayer requires, in a sense, taking off the clothes, removing the shoes to touch holy ground."

Mike Mason

Single or Married....idols

"There are two opposite errors about marriage into which a Christian single can fall. Idols that serve as functional saviors underlie these errors. The first idol is independence. When the idol of independence is worshiped, committed relationships, in general, and marriage, in particular, are dismissed or even disdained. Underlying this idol can be fear from a past hurt, the unhealed trauma of suffering through a parental divorce, or simply good old-fashioned selfishness, whereby someone does not want to make any life adjustments to accommodate another person. When heaven is conceived of as independence, and hell is conceived of as interdependence, then singleness is worshiped as a functional savior.

The second idol is dependence. When the idol of dependence is worshiped, then having someone to date is essential, being single is a crisis to be averted, and marriage is worshiped as the central guiding principle of life in which the longings for identity, joy, and relationship are to be satisfied. Underlying this idol can be a fear of being alone, a codependence that needs someone to lean on to an unhealthy degree, or a weak relationship with God so that it is not the primary defining and satisfying relationship in one’s life. When heaven is conceived of as a couple, and hell is conceived of as being single, then a dating partner or spouse invariably becomes the functional savior that is worshiped to get us out of our hell and into our heaven."

Religion Saves + Nine Other Misconceptions by Mark Driscoll

What I Do With The Hard Things In My Life

1. Immerse myself in the Word of God. His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him. (2 Peter 1:3 “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” And Psalms119:105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”)

2. Realize:

a. He is in sovereign control of all that concerns me, His child. Everything is sifted through His fingers first. (Job 2:10 “Shall we except good from God and not trouble?”)

b. God has given each of us our own race to run. We are to keep our eyes fixed on Him and stay in our own lane, not comparing our lives or the life of someone we love to the lives of others. (1 Corinthians 7:17 “Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.” And Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”)

c. God does not ask us to understand His ways but He asks us to trust Him implicitly. He sees the whole, eternal picture. (Proverbs 3:5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”)

d. My lack of faith does not nullify His faithfulness. (Romans 3:4a “What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all!”)

e. I am not the point- He is. It’s not all about me, it’s about God. It is not about me getting out of suffocating pain; it is about His Son being revealed in me, about God’s image being released in me. (Matt. 5:16 “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven.”)

3. Yield to the instrument of refinement He has chosen in my life. Instead of kicking and screaming, align yourself with God’s purposes for your life. (Philippians 4:9 “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” And James 1:4 “And let endurance have it’s perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”)

4. Confess that I don’t know how to yield, that I am helpless and angry. (Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”)

5. Confirm that I am willing to be taught in the midst of this pain and difficulty. (Romans 12:1 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.”)

6. Ask in the disappointment, loss, isolation, and pain that the Holy Spirit will teach me through the Word to trust God and understand who God is in all His mercy and love. (Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”)

7. Seek to walk in obedience through the storm and not waste my energy fretting it. (Psalm 46:1,2 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.”)

8. Know that the secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances. (Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”)

9. Remain hopeful that through all of life’s changes, we are secure in the knowledge that we will see His face and be fully satisfied. (Psalm 17:15 “As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.)

10. Press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of

us. (Philippians 3:12 “Not that I have already obtained all this,

or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold

of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” And Acts 20:24

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may

finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given

me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.”)

thoughts on suffering/trials/sin

SUFFERING

God uses suffering to:

- reveal our character

- to humble us

- to draw us to Himself

TRIALS

God uses trials to:

- show us the strength of our faith

- humble us

- wean us from earthly things

- call us to a heavenly hope

- reveal what we really love

- teach us to value God and His blessings (grace)

- enable us to help others in trials

- develop greater strength for usefulness

SIN

Dealing with our sin:

- recognize it

- ask God for help daily

- memorize scriptures that address your sin

- avoid flirting with temptation

- have a plan of attack

- find accountability and encouragement from someone

A Resource List

This is a resource list that I typed up for a women's Bible study I was teaching a few years back and while I don't want to take the time to update it or add to it right now, I thought it would still be good to post it here. Categories are in caps and then sub-categories are in bold.

Websites:

www.girltalk.com (for women) Girl Talk -conversations on Biblical womanhood

http://www.covlife.org/familyroom (for husbands) The Family Room –conversations on Biblical manhood

http://solofemininity.blogs.com/posts (for single women) Solo Femininity

http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey Modesty Survey

http://www.seekinghim.com Devotional by Nancy DeMoss (click on Radio and then Today’s Devotional)

www.therebelution.com (for teens) The Rebelution -a teenage rebellion against the low expectations of an ungodly culture)

CDs:

Seeds Family Worship http://www.seedsmusic.com/ - scripture through music

Books:

SUBMISSION/PERSEVERANCE/CONTENTMENT

For Women in General-

Damsels in Distress: Biblical Solutions for Problems Women Face by Martha Peace (this book covers these topics- Gossip and Slander, Idolatrous Emotional Attachments, Manipulation, Hurt Feelings, Vanity, PMS, Legalism, The Feminist Influence, The Role of Women in the Church, Trials)

Women Helping Women: A Biblical Guide to the Major Issues Women Face by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Carol Cornish (this book covers Biblical Counseling, Single Teen Mothers, Singleness, Post Abortion, Marriage, Married to Unbelievers, Adoption, Mothers of Children with Learning Disabilities, Mothers of Rebellious Teens, Divorce and Single Moms, Women Abused as Children, Addictions, Overeating and Bulimia, Sexual Sins, Women in the Afternoon of Life, Facing Dying and Death, and Medical Questions).

Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A Woman’s High Calling by Elizabeth George

Life Management for Busy Women by Elizabeth George- managing your prioritize

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism by John Piper

Loving God With All Your Mind by Elizabeth George –anxiety, trials, worry, fear

Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety: Becoming a Woman of Faith and Confidence by Elyse Fitzpatrick

Girl Talk: Mother-Daughter Conversations on Biblical Womanhood by Carolyn Mahaney

Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss

Biblical Womanhood in the Home edited by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control by Elisabeth Elliot

God’s Wisdom for a Woman’s Life by Elizabeth George

Elizabeth Prentiss, More Love to Thee by Sharon James

Shopping for Time: How to Do It All and NOT Be Overwhelmed by Carolyn Mahaney and daughters

For Men-

Disciplines of a Godly Man by Kent Hughes

The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott- marriage

Contentment-

The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment by Jeremiah Burroughs

Found: God’s Will by John MacArthur

Attitudes of a Transformed Heart by Martha Peace

Spiritual Growth/Purpose-

Set Apart: Calling a Wordly Church to a Godly Life by Kent Hughes

Knowing God by J.I. Packer- attributes of God (characteristics of God)

Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper

The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges

Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan

Follow Me: Christ’s Call, Our Response by John MacArthur

Why One Way? Defending an Exclusive Claim in an Inclusive World by John MacArthur

Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper

SINGLENESS

Single-

Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper

Singled Out for Him by Nancy Leigh DeMoss – for women

Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control by Elisabeth Elliot

Sex is Not the Problem (Lust Is) by Joshua Harris

MARRIAGE

For Married Women-

The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace

Helper By Design by Elyse Fitzpatrick

A Woman After God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George –prioritizing your life

Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney

When Love Dies by Judy Bodmer

Marriage-

The Fulfilled Family/God’s Design for Your Home by John MacArthur- marriage and parenting

Powerful Promises for Every Couple by Jim and Liz George- marriage study

Walking Together by Jack and Cynthia Heald- marriage study

When Love Dies/How to Save a Hopeless Marriage by Judy Bodmer

Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor –dating and marriage

Love Life for Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat

How to Save Your Marriage Alone by Dr. Ed Wheat

Intended For Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat

Sex is Not the Problem (Lust Is) by Joshua Harris

PROPRIETY

Modesty-

Becoming a Woman of Discretion: Cultivating a Pure Heart in a Sensual World by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

The Look: Does God Really Care What I Wear by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

And The Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity by Dannah Gresh

A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit

NURTURING CHILDREN

For Children-

The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name Sally Lloyd-Jones- shows Christ through the whole bible

Leading Little Ones To God by Marion M. Schoolland –great for family devotions

The Millers Family Series by Mildred A. Martin – out of print but you can get them through Rainbowresource.com- great for family devotions for little ones. Wisdom and the Millers, Proverbs and the Millers, Prudence and the Millers, Missionary Stories and the Millers, Storytime with the Millers, School Days with the Millers.

Read Aloud Bible Stories vol. 1-4 by Ella Lindvall

Window On The World put out by Operation World – teaches kids about missions in different countries

Concord Cunningham Series by Mat Halverson (kids use their bibles to help solve mysteries)

Science and the Bible series…by Donald B. Deyoung (science experiments that illustrate scripture truths)

Parenting-

Disciplines of a Godly Family by Kent and Barbara Hughes

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

Instructing a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp (CD only, soon to be in print)

Teach Them Diligently: How to Use the Scriptures in Child Training by Louis Priolo

Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens by Paul David Tripp

Successful Christian Parenting: Raising Your Child with Care, Compassion, and Common Sense (New title is What the Bible Says About Parenting) by John MacArthur

When Good Kids Make Bad Choices: Help and Hope for Hurting Parents by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jim Newheiser

And The Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity by Dannah Gresh

A Year With Your Children In The Bible by Jim Cromarty

Don’t Make Me Count To Three by Ginger Plowman

Home By Choice by Brenda Hunter

PRAYER

Prayer-

The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions by Arthur Bennett

Lord, Teach Me to Pray by John MacArthur

Power of a Praying........ by Stormie Omartian

MIND

Christian Mind-

Developing a Christian Mind by Oliver Barclay

Loving God With All Your Mind: Thinking as a Christian in the Postmodern World by Gene Edward Veith, Jr.

Renewing Your Mind: Basic Christian Beliefs You Need to Know by R. C. Sproul

The Knowledge of the Holy by A. W. Tozer

The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges

Your Mind Matters by John Stott

Knowing God by J.I. Packer

Think Biblically by John MacArthur

Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman

Let The Nations Be Glad by John Piper

Why Christians Can’t Trust Psychology by Ed Bulkley

Suffering-

When the Healing Doesn’t Come by John MacArthur (pamphlet available thru Grace To You Ministries)

Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges

Women Helping Women: A Biblical Guide to the Major Issues Women Face by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Carol Cornish

Why Christians Can’t Trust Psychology by

Kitchen Table Counseling by

Loving God With All Your Mind by Elizabeth George

The Power of Suffering by John MacArthur

CHURCH

Set Apart: Calling a Worldly Church to a Godly Life by Ken Hughes

Worship-

Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman

True Worship by Donald P Hustad

Let The Nations Be Glad by John Piper

Series On Hymns: by Joni Eareckson Tada and other authors

O Worship The King

When Morning Gilds the Skies

O Come All Ye Faithful

What Wondrous Love Is This

WITNESSING

Without a Doubt by Kenneth Richards

The God Who is Real by Henry Morris

What Jesus Demands From The World by John Piper

Why One Way by John MacArthur

Young Mothering

Dear young mother,

It seems like everyone wants something from you. And you’re probably already giving way more than you ever thought you could give. But even with all your giving, you might struggle with guilt—lingering, joy-drenching, energy-sapping guilt—that you should be doing more, giving more, accomplishing more.

Don’t waste that guilt. Pay attention to it. Use it. Take it out of the shadows and examine it in light of Scripture. Is this a godly grief that leads to repentance or a worldly grief that produces death (2 Cor. 7:10)? Is it life-giving or life-depleting? Ask yourself, does this bring fresh joy and peace to those nearest me, or does it add unnecessary stress and strain to my home?

Don’t feel guilty over making your children your primary ministry investment in their early years. Your availability, sensitivity, affection, and unhurried attention are irreplaceable.

There are no neutral moments in a young child’s life. Someone is going to be influencing your children, inculcating values and imprinting standards on their impressionable young minds. Let it be you!

Accept your calling from God to serve your family. As a mother, you are helping to shape the souls of your children for Christ and ultimately influence the world. Your children are your gift to the future.

Does this mean you will never invest in others outside your family? Goodness, no. But if you are a young mother, stay on mission. Use your primary ministry of mothering to serve Christ now. Don’t let anything diminish your unique role as a wife and mother. It is not godly guilt that would call you away from a wholehearted investment in your little ones for his sake.

This season in your life is just that—a season. And each season is a divine calling from our creator and king. Organizing a new event at church is important. Teaching your little boy to be kind to his sister is also important. But which one can best be done by you during this season? Serve God well by ministering to your children first. Very soon they will be grown and gone, and you will be unable to recapture the teachable moments you have now.

Mothers, listen to Psalm 78:4-7: “We will . . . tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders he has done . . . that the next generation might know . . . so that they should set their hope in God.”

taken from The Resurgence Blog

Questions to Reveal Idols in Our Hearts

1. What do you most highly value?
2. What do you think about by default?
3. What is your highest goal?
4. To what or whom are you most committed?
5. Who or what do you love the most?
6. Who or what do you trust or depend upon the most?
7. Who or what do you fear the most?
8. Who or what do you hope in and hope for most?
9. Who or what do you desire the most? Or, what desire makes you most angry or makes you despair when it is not satisfied?
10. Who or what do you most delight in or hold as your greatest joy and treasure?
11. Who or what captures your greatest zeal?
12. To whom or for what are you most thankful?
13. For whom or what great purpose do you work?

Opinions That Judge

Dear Daughter,

My heart is often heavy as I hear women take a stand on issues against one another. I've been guilty of it and as a pastor's wife I've heard just about every topic that divides women. It has not only grieved me but perplexed me.

Stay-at-home-mom vs. the working mom.
Epidural vs. natural childbirth.
College vs. no college.
Courtship vs. dating.
Home-birth vs. hospital birth.
Public school vs. private school.
Breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding.
Vaccinations vs. homeopathic remedies.
Homeschooling vs. daycare.
Green living vs. processed foods.
Traditional worship vs. Contemporary worship.
Made from scratch vs. eating out.
Cloth diapers vs. disposable diapers.
Demand feeding vs. scheduled feedings.
Strollers vs. baby slings.

Paul encourages us in Philippians chapter 2 verses 1 and 2, to be of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. We judge one another. It's just a human sinful fact and yet it's wrong. We say with our lips that we want "unity" like Paul is talking about but we don't know how to genuinely achieve unity when it comes to our opinions.

Should we not have an opinion? Can we not form our own preferences? Do we suppress our convictions?

Romans 14:5 says "One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind." We of course will have our own convictions and should not flippantly decide what perspectives we will stand behind. Yet, without legalism should we possess these opinions. Is it not worse to judge your sister in Christ than it is to error on (what you perceive to be) the wrong side of these issues.

Not many of us are born with all of our opinions formed nor will we most likely hold all of our opinions without changing our minds on any issue at anytime in our lives. If God was forbearing with our unformed convictions can we not forbear with our sisters in Christ? Sometimes in life we are forced to face circumstances that make us bend on our opinions. For example, I'm passionate about mom's staying home. I can give you Scriptures that I feel support my side of the argument. But ironically I'm working at the moment that I write this. Not because I want to but because I need to and it's the best way I can serve my husband during this season of our lives. God has a way of humbling us at times. It helps us keep from being judgmental.

I also want to encourage you to not always take a side. When presented with an issue women are quick to take up an opinion and march it right up to the front of the battle line. Myself included. Something I'm learning in my life is to not be quick to form an opinion or to not form one at all if it's not an issue that I feel passionate about one way or the other. For example, I love the "idea" of baby-wearing yet I have a bad back. I love the help a stroller offers me because of my back pain. I really don't think that one way is "right" verses the other on this topic. I don't walk around judging women with strollers or women that wear their babies. I know that I'm being judged by some when I'm walking around with a stroller but I frankly don't care. It's silly to me and I refuse to take a position on this topic. I know women who see the good points to both sides of the birth control debate and yet have chosen to not take an opinion. Their opinion only goes so far as believing that children are a blessing. I think that most Christians would agree to that statement yet that doesn't tell you their convictions about birth control. My point is that you don't have to take up camp with one side or the other. I think a less "opinionated" church would be more honoring to God.

I've been judgmental. I've lacked grace for others...the same grace Christ has patiently bestowed on me. I've been guilty of thinking that there is only one way....my way. I've failed to see others as "growing" rather than perfect. I hope that I do not pass this on to you.

May you be convinced in your own mind, yes. I hope that your opinions are thought through and arrived at with much prayer, study, and conviction. But I also pray that your love for others will go before you wherever you tread with your opinions. May God give you the grace to fellowship with other believers that you will one day be in perfect unity with in heaven. You may not be like minded in many things this side of heaven, but surely you can worship together and fellowship together regardless.

May you not make the judgmental mistakes I have made.

Love you just the way you are,
Mom

Like you haven't seen her in a long time.....

Today, Emilee and I ran some errands together. At one point while at the check out counter, Emilee and I were discussing our purchase together while the kind woman behind the counter waited for us to make up our minds. The woman interrupted and asked me, "is she your daughter?"

I answered, "Yes, she is. Why? Does she not look like me?"

The woman behind the counter answered, "oh no, it's just that you are talking to her like you haven't seen her in a long time."

I was puzzled. I wasn't sure how to take that. After much pondering I figured I could take it as a compliment.

I hope that I speak with such love and adoration for my daughter that when I speak to her it's as if we've been reunited after being apart. I hope that I respect her feelings and opinions so that our conversation may seem to be extra polite and considerate of each others feelings. May I always respect her input on decision making with every day things as if I'm giving her preference on a special day of being reunited. I hope that I speak to my daughter as if every day with her is like a day reunited after a long parting. May I always treat her as if every day were a celebration to be together again.

Are other mothers and daughters in the store just bearing with one another, not connecting with one another, and distant from one another that Emilee and I seem an odd pair? Do we stand out because our love shines through to the point that one would think we were celebrating a long parting by going out shopping together? If that is the case then Amen! and Amen again!

Great Expectations

Expectations can kill a woman. I'm not talking about the expectations others put on her. Those can kill her too I suppose if she doesn't handle them well. What I AM talking about are the expectations she has herself. Not expectations she has for herself but for others. In life and counseling I've come to find that expectations can leave women devastated and feeling unloved. Whether it's false expectations of a young man whom she is interested in, false expectations of an evening out with her spouse, or false expectations of what she dreams as the perfect family vacation. It's all the same, false!

I've come to think that the most damaging expectations are the ones we put on our spouse. Women tend to romanticize everything. When we start to "expect" that our husband should do such-and-such (because that would be the romantic thing to do of course!) and he fails to do it, we are left feeling that he isn't romantic or worse, that he doesn't love us.

I call them "love test". It can be as simple as putting down the toilet seat. See, the young wife tells herself, "darn it, he left that seat up again! I keep asking him to put it down! He must not care enough about how it effects me! That's it! Today when he comes home I'll see if he leaves it up again. If he does then he must not love me." Said innocent, tired from work (working to provide for said young bride as a way of loving her) unaware of the "love test" that has been set up for him, walks through the door and into the bathroom he goes. He comes out and there stands his wife in tears who seconds ago was smiling and welcoming him home. Baffled, he asks why she is crying. He can't imagine what he has done now to disappoint the bride he loves. She explains that he must not love her anymore because he has left the toilet seat up again.

An expectation was set and not met. It happens on an evening out together. A chance to get away from the kids and enjoy some talking time. Yet all day, in anticipation of the evening alone, a woman will often start day dreaming about the evening and set up expectations in her mind.....like, "well, since we are going out he should get my door for me every time, he should have a romantic restaurant planned out, oh and I'm sure he's thought ahead to reserve our favorite booth in the corner, and I bet he's going to surprise me with a little gift cause it's been awhile since he's done that...oh my, what if it's the diamond earrings that I've been hinting out for a few years....I know that if he loves me he'll think to do these things."

Husband comes in the door beat up from a long day at work, looking forward to his relaxing night out with his wife, only to come out of the bedroom changed into super casual clothes and asks "can we just go through the drive-thru tonight and then hang out at the park to eat it....I'm beat and I really don't feel like sitting around a bunch of people." All dressed up, she starts sobbing and you know the rest....they don't go out but instead spend the next two hours sorting out the motives of each other.

Then there is the family vacation.....she expects that they'll do such-and-such, eat at such-and-such, go to such-and-such, and take perfect pictures of the kids doing such-and-such. She doesn't expect there to be any car sickness, any travel delays, no closed destinations, no bad weather, an always happy and rested husband, no getting lost, no sick kids, and that she'll be putting her feet up most of the trip. HA! Lots of false expectations. It's even worse if they don't take the kids. A vacation alone as a couple is a recipe for false expectations.

Like I said, expectations can kill a woman....bit by bit, expectation by expectation. It's a discipline that we have to challenge ourselves to take on- being realistic and not setting expectations.

Some of the best advice I got a few weeks before my wedding was from a young wife and mother who was mentoring me....she said, "your husband is going to fail you." That's it. She just said it and paused. I looked at her totally confused. "Nooooooo" I thought to myself there is no way this man who loves me so much is going to fail me! I thought she was nuts. I was truly blind to the fact that he would fail. He is human. He has weaknesses (not many that I would acknowledge at the time) and he was going to fail me. In fact, she could have said, "He's going to fail you all the time, time and time again!"

What I didn't realize until many years later was that I could have cut his "failings" in half if I had not been the one setting him up for failure with love tests.

Don't let expectations ruin you. Don't expect others to think and act a certain way. Allow others to be who they are. Give your spouse the gift of letting him be as he needs to be without love tests. Don't expect your girlfriends to do certain things for you, they will fail you too. Don't expect every young man you take interest in to fall in love with you. Dwell on how you can meet your husband's needs at the end of a tiring day, not how he can meet yours. When you both do this, you will minister to each other, your needs will be met, and you can day dream together about an evening out or a vacation....set your secret expectations aside.

Be realistic.

Don't measure love by unmet expectations.

don't compare

One of the most damaging things you can do to yourself and your family as a wife and mother is compare yourself to others. It's hard not to do since we compare ourselves without even thinking most of the time. You have to take those thoughts and blot them out before they run amiss with you.

Comparing ourselves to other born-sinners, other imperfect moms with other weaknesses and strengths only leads us into the sin of jealousy. Jealousy is sin. Plain and simple. Our standard is not our girlfriend who we think has it all together (but really doesn't) or the older woman at church that we idolize. It's not our mother or our sister, not our neighbor, not our Bible study leader, not even the woman in line in front of us at the grocery store. No, the standard is Christ. Our focus should be fixed on Jesus as we strive for holiness knowing we will not fully attain it until we walk through the pearly gates. Other women are a poor standard...a pathetic standard. Get a real standard....Christ.

Besides, women who look like they have it all together don't. It's not possible to be the perfect wife or the perfect homemaker, or the perfect mother. In fact, it's not possible to be ALMOST the perfect woman. You don't know her weaknesses and you surely don't know the thoughts in her mind or what goes on behind clothes doors. You don't know her struggles. You most likely don't even know what her trials are or what life has dealt her in the past. You surely don't know what her future trials and struggles will be.

Some women that I've thought were perfect in the past have:

- gotten divorced
- raised wayward children
- had eating disorders
- husbands have had affairs
- suffer from diseases
- have had breast cancer
- lost their homes
- ended up in counseling
- thought about suicide
- made bad choices that had tough consequences
- had miscarriages
- had affairs themselves
- left their husbands
- left their children
- raised spoiled disobedient children
- abandoned me as a friend
- lied
- shown favoritism
- had bad attitudes
- been very selfish
- walked away from God and the church
- admitted themselves to a psych ward
- made decisions they've regretted
- had their baby die
- have acted very prideful

Comparing isn't fair to other women and it's not fair to you. Be a genuine friend who realizes we all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have trials. A mature and godly woman looks at each woman for what they are; a sinner just like herself in need of grace. It's only through the grace of God that any of us accomplish anything good for even part of our day. There is no good in any of us other than what God has graciously bestowed upon us.

Do your husband and children a favor as well and don't compare them to others either.

in a perfect world.....

I was a new young mom standing in the pediatrician's office concerned that things weren't going the way they were "supposed" to go with my baby to which the doctor replied, "In a perfect world, yes, you are right, but we don't live in a perfect world." There are no "supposed to"s with new babies and new mothers in the sense that they all do and act the same way.

I've had that phrase, "in a perfect world..." echoing in my mind ever since that day. Anytime I had concern about the development of one of my toddlers, illnesses I didn't know were coming my way, or life changes that I was unprepared for, I hear that pediatrician saying "in a perfect world...." No, we don't live in a perfect world.

So, why am I so surprised when life throws me a curve ball? Why, when a trial comes my way and life doesn't go according to MY plan do I act as if something strange is happening to me. It's not a perfect world so I shouldn't expect things to go the way they are "supposed to go"....whatever that is. What's normal anyway?

Realizing that the world is not perfect and that life is incredibly unpredictable, out of MY control, and lacking in "supposed to"s will help me to lower my false expectations. False expectations are something I've come to realize that we women are most susceptible to. False expectations let us down and leave us confused.

The only expectation I should have is that life is going to be hard and yet, if I let Him, God will hold me through it all. It reminds me of that song by Natalie Grant; Held. Whatever your storm is today, whatever was "supposed to" happen, whichever of your expectations are crumbling, whatever has you completely desperate.....remember that in an imperfect world, trials come and it reminds us of what it means to be held by God. This applies to every area of our lives; our marriages, our parenting, our friendships, our churches, etc.

Thanks Dr. Mendelson for opening my eyes to the fact that my expectations for a perfect world are unrealistic. I'm sure he didn't realize what an impact that one phrase made on me that day.

What is realistic? I have hope in a perfect God who holds me through every imperfection life has for me.

(Dr. Mendlelson was not only my firstborn's pediatrician but also mine. My firstborn is now 10 years old. )

Praying for a future spouse

Be committed to praying for your children's future spouse. Praying for your children is the best gift you can give them as a mother but praying for their future spouse is the icing on the cake.

I began praying for my own future spouse when I was in about junior high. I remember specifically praying for him (whomever he was) while I would jog in the afternoons. I kept praying for him all through high school not knowing that I had already met him by the time I was 16. I remember thinking shortly after we were married, "YOU are the one! I've been praying for YOU for years!!!!!!!!!" It was as if a surprise has been revealed to me! My heart had long been endured to this person's well being and spiritual walk...my spouse.

When I pray for my children's spouse I always preface it with God's will. I also pray for my children's singleness...because they will be single at least for a little while even if they marry. Yet if God is going to give them the gift of singleness then I pray for that as well.

Things I pray for my children's possible future spouses:
-their protection
-their childhood
-that they are surrounded by others who will give them the gospel regularly
-that they will know and love God from an early age
-that God will be molding them into the godly individual He desires them to be
-their parents
-the choices they make

What better way to endure your heart as a mother-in-law to the well being and spiritual growth of the person your child will someday marry.