Natural Childbirth

In this day and age, childbearing is often considered a thing to be feared. There is this overarching anxiety that we won’t be able to manage the pain of it all. We fear the baby being too large, or too small. We fear losing control. My desire here is to stop this train of thought that birthing is a thing to fear, encourage us to step back, and reflect on the beauty of the birthing process.

Childbirth is certainly work, and the intensity of it has increased as a result of the fall (Genesis 3:16). But like any work, it is doable. God’s grace is extended to sustain us through it. What we often overlook is the fact that God created birth to be a beautiful process, as we embrace the work and strive to labor for His glory. He has created the female body to be able to give birth. We were designed to be life-givers. This is what you were created to do! God has specially designed this child, conceived in your womb, to be born into this world.


Please note, there can certainly be a place for interventions as we live in a fallen world and it may not go as naturally as desired, but ultimately if our heart is trusting in the Lord, it will be a beautiful experience,  and should not be a thing to be feared. If you had a rough first experience, may I encourage you that there is grace to cover your past experiences, grace to try again, and grace to trust the sovereignty of God with whatever the results.


Understanding the purpose of pain is essential for being able to conquer fear in our hearts.

Why Pain in Labor?

The quotes below are taken from the Christian Childbirth Handbook by Jennifer Vanderlaan:


Increases Endorphins = pain management

“Pain, by its very nature, is a call to action…Pain has a physiological purpose in childbirth. The increasing intensity of the pain or discomfort increase your body’s production of endorphins. Endorphins are natural opiates that are responsible for ‘runners high’. They are also produced during sexual intimacy. Endorphins are at peak levels near the end of the labor helping you manage the pain of the contractions.”
Increases prolactin = breastfeeding success
“What is even more amazing is the endorphins your body is producing in response to the pain of labor are preparing your body to care for your child. The high endorphin levels cause your body to increase prolactin levels. Prolactin is a hormone necessary to breastfeed.” 

Pain = movement = proper alignment
“Another important reason for discomfort or pain during labor is the way you naturally move your body in response to pain. It is very difficult to hold still while in pain, which works just perfectly for labor since movement is necessary for your baby to properly align in your pelvis. Without proper alignment, either you or your baby could suffer damage. Pain serves as a method of protection against a bad birth position.”

Pain = dependence upon the Lord
God often uses pain as a means of drawing our attention off ourselves and on to Him. It is a beautiful process for a woman to see this pain as a means of helping her refocus her attention on her Savior, who is her provider and source of strength. Therefore, focusing on worship, Scripture and prayer during labor are appropriate responses to the process. I believe this is all a part of the sanctifying process of childbirth. Jesus promises the peace that passes all understanding. This does not mean a perfect pain-free labor, but rather the calmness to embrace God as your strength.

“Peace is letting go of control, and letting God lead you through labor…Only God knows to what extent you will need to work during labor. You may give birth painlessly, or you may struggle through many challenges. You are only in control of how you respond to labor. It is how you handle yourself, where you turn for strength, which is important. God will give you the strength to manage whatever labor suits his purpose.”

Tips for Decreasing Pain

• Keep your bladder empty.
• Stay upright during labor.
• Keep moving! Changing positions regularly. (preferably every 20 min.)
• Learn as much about labor as possible. Understand the process and the way your body works.
• Choose a birthing environment where you are comfortable, safe, and relaxed.
• Choose only people to surround you that you are comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to all the family.
• Learn simple relaxation techniques: visualization, listening to music, relaxing each muscle in your body, deep breathing, and hydrotherapy. Practice these frequently before labor begins.
• Keep your vocalization in labor low and deep. When we scream or yell in high pitched tones, this tightens the uterus. When we groan, we allow the cervix to open and relax.
• Let go of fear. The more fear you have the more pain you will experience. Don’t hide it. Acknowledge it and turn to the Lord to help you with it.

Responding to Fear

It is important to first acknowledge your fear. We all have them. It is naturally a part of being human. But the important thing is to acknowledge and address your specific fears prior to labor. Labor is controlled by your sub-conscious mind, not your conscious mind. Fear in labor produces excess amounts of stress hormones in our body that can lock up your muscles and limit the supply of oxygen to your uterus and baby.

If you are experiencing fear, meditate upon Philippians 4:8 in the following manner (a valuable exercise offered in the Christian Childbirth Handbook):

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about these things.”
Write out your fear. My fear or concern is….
Now use the following questions to truly evaluate the source, motivation, and truth about your situation.

1. What is true? (What is true about you and your situation?)
2. What is noble? (How can you handle this situation in a noble way?)
3. What is right? (Is there a righteous response to this fear?)
4. What is pure? (How can you respond in a way to keep your heart devoted to God?)
5. What is lovely? (How can this fear be worked for good?)
6. What is admirable? (Who has overcome a similar fear: how did they do it?)
7. What is excellent and praiseworthy? (How can you respond in a way that keeps you from sin and brings praise and glory to God?)

Philippians 4:6-7 – “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (NLT)

Focus on the Blessings

One of the true blessings of labor is that God designed it to process naturally and slowly (in most cases, as some births do go extremely fast). It actually takes two weeks or longer to go through the process. Contractions gradually increase in duration and intensity rather than all at once. And God gives us total breaks of pain-free times in between contractions. These points of rest, though short, help you to breath, relax, take in fresh oxygen and energy, all of which are essential for you and your baby’s health and well being.
Focus on the new precious life that will soon be entering your arms. Focus on the beauty of new life that is being birthed from your womb. Treasure that moment.

When we let go and allow our body to flow with the contractions, we experience a unique empowerment that is hard to describe. When we focus our minds on embracing the pain, the pain somehow becomes less severe. When we get up, move, and allow our body to flow with the contractions, we embrace the design of our bodies.

For further encouragement, please read Spiritual Encouragement for Preparing & Giving Birth that highlights specific verses that are excellent for preparing your heart for labor.

(taken from Passionate Homemaking Blog with my own spelling corrections and editing)

Making Conversation

Since I've been an adult I've noticed that there are many people whom have never learned to hold a conversation. They either sit in silence making you do all the work of carrying the conversation, answering only "yes" or "no" to your questions or they talk about themselves the entire time never asking you anything about yourself.

The art of conversation is a learned skill I believe and one worth investing time in learning! Here are a few questions fit for conversation making in certain settings and circumstances. These might be helpful but I hope that overall, I teach you by example how to properly make conversation so that you are not "social inept".

Questions to Get to Know People Better

1. Where did you grow up?
2. Where did you go to school and what did you study?
3. How did you meet your spouse and how long have you been married?
4. What dreams do you have for the future?
5. What is one thing you have never done that you wish you could do?
6. What is the most important thing you have accomplished in your life?
7. What do you enjoy doing with your spare time?
8. If you could do anything other than what you are doing now, what would you do?
9. Ask questions about their work, their kids, where they like to vacation or their favorite foods.
10. What books are they currently reading?

Questions for Biblical Fellowship

1. What is one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?
2. In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year and what are you doing to this end?
3. Who is one person you would like to spend time with asking questions about their relationship with the Lord?
4. What is one new way you could help strengthen the church?
5. What is one thing you could do to improve your prayer life?
6. What habit would you most like to establish this year?
7. Who do you most want to encourage this year?
8. What book, in addition to the Bible, do you most want to read this year?
9. In what area of your life do you most need growth and what will you do about it?
10. What one biblical doctrine do you most want to understand better this year?

Questions to Get to Know Internationals Better

1. What country are you from?
2. Can you describe your daily life and family traditions in your home country?
3. What was your education like and what are your interests?
4. What are your impressions of our country?
5. Were you brought up in a religious home?
6. What foods are unique to your country?/ what food from our country do you enjoy?
7. Would you teach me a few words in your native language?
8. Are there any questions you would like to ask me?
9. What are your special holidays and how do you celebrate them?
10. Is there any way I can serve you?

Ministry, Marriage and Mistakes

While I realize that this video will not print up into this blog when I make it a book, I decided to share it here, regardless, for any that are following this blog. My husband and I watched this video last night and I was moved to tears and a very long discussion took place after it was over as we marveled about our own sin in these areas of ministry and our marriage. While we have not struggled with all of the things mentioned or to the extent that he describes some pastors and their wives struggling with, we were convicted as we looked back over our years of ministry and how ministry has it's way of silently creeping it's way into your life as an idol.

It's applicable to couples who are not in full time ministry as well. If we don't protect our families and prioritize correctly we will suffer the consequences. While convicted and even grieving over our past struggles I was also encouraged by all the things I realize now that we've done right. We haven't become a statistic and our marriage has stayed close and very intimate through it all despite poor management at times on our part. Praise God.

Every couple entering church planting or full time ministry should have to watch this before they commit to go into ministry. God help the church and the pastors who lead them.

Be a student of your man

It's easy to interpret the personality of our spouse in the most negative terms. I'm not sure why we do this other than we are sinful and we want so badly for them to be perfect by our own definition that we become their worst critics.

As a young wife I often saw my husband (Daddy) as weak and apathetic. I wanted him to be more outgoing and to have a strong opinion. I wanted him to stand up for things immediately and yet I saw him as less than passionate about issues, not taking a stand, and as a coward. Would he not defend his own wife? Why can't he be more valiant? Why can't he just tell people how it is? Why does he take so long to make a decision or form an opinion. It drove me crazy for we were clearly opposites. How am I supposed to respect, obey, and submit to a husband who is weak? How can I follow his lead when clearly I need to lead him? These were my sinful and completely blind thoughts.

As I've learned to be a student of my husband and actually taken the time to study who he is I've come to realize that he is not weak, he is very strong. Much stronger than I. It takes a very strong person to be slow to speak and self controlled on the outside when there is a passionate fire burning inside about an issue. He is far from apathetic, he just doesn't show it in the same way I do. He is very willing and able to lead in a very loving and gentle way. He doesn't use my brash and unloving tactics. He has a gift for bringing people along to see things from his perspective instead of just steam rolling them and demanding that they conform to his thinking. He takes time to think before speaking even if that means getting back to someone a few days later. Something I would never do...I always speak before thinking and often regret my words. He has never been a coward. He has turned the other cheek. He has led me through our marriage very patiently. When I crumbled under criticism and lost the battles I decided to fight, he carried me. He is the strongest man I know.

Not all men are the same. Some of born leaders...command men. They lead passionately and expect their wives to serve them as if they king but in the end they make their wife their queen seated royally by his side. Some are adventurous...always inventing and exploring often never finishing one idea before they move to the next. They expect their wives to fasten their seat belts and hang on for the ride of their life....literally. But he will take her places she never dreamed of going and life will never be dull. Some are steady men....the work horse that is loyal. He's the slower of the three...slow and steady. Always reliable and used by many. Work horses are strong. They expect their wives to faithfully serve the world along side of them quietly without much recognition. In all of those men are different personalities to be discovered. It's worth taking the time to study (in books), to observe other people, to learn from older women, and to just study your own husband to realize how maybe the things that you perceive as weaknesses in your husband very well may be his unappreciated strengths.

How To Help Your Husband When He's Criticized

this is long but really good

In early March, C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney addressed a room full of couples being trained for pastoral ministry at the Pastors College. Soon these couples will return to their home churches to begin (or resume) the public and transparent life of pastoral ministry.

A question asked by one of the wives was simple: How should a wife respond when her pastor-husband is criticized? The question was asked in the context of pastor’s families, but the answer will likely benefit all married couples.

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Question: Carolyn, as a pastor’s wife, how do you handle situations where your husband is criticized or there is grumbling in the church about your husband?

Carolyn: Obviously, it certainly isn’t easy to have your husband criticized. But as wives, we must recognize our role as our husband’s helper and make sure we don’t take up an offense, which would not be helpful to our husbands. And that does not take place without a fight. This is the person you love the most in the whole world, and if someone is criticizing him, you can be easily offended and want to defend him. Yet, I must realize that taking an offense would be a disservice to my husband. So it’s important that we as wives guard our hearts, making sure we don’t take up an offense, seeking to serve our husbands as helpers.

C.J.: Your point is an excellent one. There have been many times that I have desired Carolyn to take up an offense—“Join me in my offense against this individual.” I’m not immediately happy that she hasn’t taken an offense, but I have learned that eventually she has served me invaluably when she does not take up an offense. In no way is she defending or justifying what others have said or done, but helping me monitor my heart, and impressing upon me that a sinful reaction from me would be more serious than whatever they are saying or doing, are the most effective ways she can serve me.

Sadly, over the years we have witnessed couples in ministry where wives have taken up an offense.

And this doesn’t just apply to sinful criticism, but also to when a husband is legitimately corrected by a member of the pastoral team or a member of the church. So you need both those categories. It’s difficult when those serving with your husband correct him in a certain area or bring an unfavorable evaluation. A wife might find herself more vulnerable to taking up an offense when her husband has been corrected. I am grateful for the way Carolyn has served me by not taking up an offense. And numerous times she has agreed with the correction, protecting me from arrogantly dismissing the correction and preventing me from sowing discord among those I serve in ministry.

So, whether it’s sinful criticism or legitimate correction of me, how do you guard your heart, Carolyn?

Carolyn: Wives should carefully listen to what’s being said. If there is something legitimate, bring that lovingly and carefully to your husband. I don’t think it serves a husband for a wife to just take the side of the person bringing criticism. But if there is a degree of truth, bring that in a way that serves him.

And just helping to mirror back to him what you are hearing him say. If he is sinning in response to the criticism, where appropriate, lovingly mirror that back to him: “It seems like this is how you are responding. Is this true? Are you offended at this person? Are you bitter?” Asking skillful questions.

It takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching in our own hearts to keep our hearts free from taking up an offense. But we must have a conviction about our role as our husband’s helper and ask, “What will truly help my husband?” It will not help him if I’m adding to the temptation he’s already experiencing. If he is being corrected or criticized, he’s already got a battle he is fighting. And if I come along and agree and participate in that, it makes his battle more difficult.

My husband has gone through seasons of correction, and it’s a temptation and fight. So I find myself having to pray for those who bring criticism or correction and filling my own heart with appropriate Scriptures so I can be a true helper to him during that time.

C.J.: Yes, but where they have been accurate observations—whether critics analyzing or friends correcting—you have courageously transferred that to me. Too often I have not been grateful in the moment. Eventually, I am grateful.

Would you say that one of the biggest challenges these ladies will confront as pastors wives is will be—when they hear the criticism or correction and they find there are aspects they agree with—how to inform their husbands of that without appearing to support any sinful attitude of others?

Carolyn: Yes. And I have through the years seen wives not do that, I’ve seen the effect and the outcome, and it has put the fear of God in me. At the moment it’s not always easy to take a stand and say, “I don’t think you’re responding humbly to this situation right now.” And it takes courage. Yet we’ve seen, because we’ve been in ministry for as many as we have, some very sad situations where I think wives really could have been the difference-maker if they would have challenged or confronted their husbands.

C.J.: So wouldn’t you say that over the years that some wives misunderstood submission and honor (or so it appears)? I think that has played a role. And for some it could be fear of man—fear of husband.

I can tell you this: For any marriage, correction of the husband by the wife would be one category on my short list of most important. If I observed a wife who was reluctant to correct her husband I would be concerned with that marriage. Obviously, I’m not arguing for a contentious marriage, but correction, humbly communicated, must be part of every marriage.

Part of what Carolyn has modeled personally and taught well is what she taught at the last Leadership Conference—“Watch Your Man”—in broadening an understanding and application of “helper” to include appropriate correction. I would argue that correction is not just part of marriage but an aspect of what it means to be fellow heirs of the grace of life.

Carolyn’s encouragement has been of immeasurable benefit to me, but equally so or more, on balance, has been her correction. She has protected me when sin was deceiving me. What a gift this has been to me!

Idols in the Christian Home

Upon entering the home of an understandably tired young mother, she lamented that her house was not tidy. She also described how she had prayed to Jesus for the kids to be more organized and clean, but Jesus was of no help at all. As I looked around the house, it actually seemed quite clean and tidy for being occupied by young children. There were a few toys out on the floor, but that was about it. Later in our visit, she actually said, “Everything is perfect until the kids wreck it.”

Her home had become her idol. Whenever her children left a toy out or spilled their juice, they were not merely sinning or making a mistake. To her, they were ruining her life and vandalizing her perfect, heavenly home. Or, to say it another way, they were not worshiping her idol. So, she prayed to Jesus, asking him to turn her children into idol worshipers who never left anything out or made a mess. Her frustration with Jesus was that he did not respect her dominion in her home/kingdom and was refusing to submit to her rule and serve her idol.

Furthermore, she was making her own children miserable, with the exception of one daughter who labored to keep the house clean like her mom and berated her siblings; she was turning into a second-generation, self-righteous idol worshiper. Making matters worse, when dad got home from work, he would grab a beer, sit in his chair, watch his television, and tune out his wife and children, ignoring what was going on in the home. His idol was comfort, and his beer, chair, and flat-screen television were his functional saviors. Saviors he preferred worshiping over Jesus, who wanted him to apply the gospel to himself, his wife, and their children so they could each smash their idols and live as worshipers of God alone; waiting for the day when they get to enjoy the perfect home Jesus is preparing for us.

taken from Resurgence

the power of a woman

The Influence of a Woman

Under the influence of a woman, cities have crumbled (Joshua 2-6), and kings have caved (Mark 6). The power that a woman has to influence those around her is one of her strongest resources. And yet, some of us underestimate this influence. Scripture says differently.

The faith of a woman directly affects the atmosphere of her home and shapes the dynamics of her marriage.

We had a saying growing in our house. “If momma ain’t happy, there ain’t nobody happy.” With this one comical phrase we acknowledged the external impact a woman’s attitude had on those living around her. If she was pleasant and contented, the home was calm and happy. But if she was sputtering about something that really made her mad, the house was on edge and chaotic. Proverbs says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” Why? Because the attitudes women have directly affect the atmosphere of their homes.

What type of environment are we creating in our homes? Our faith is being continuously influential on those around us. We can’t choose who or when our faith impacts them, but we can always choose how. How is your faith impacting your home?

The faith of a woman directly influences the direction of her children and grandchildren.

There’s no denying Rahab was a woman of great influence. Her faith in Israel’s God outshined even some of the Israelites. It was her faith that enabled her to go out on a limb and help the spies escape. It was her faith that threw the scarlet cord out her window in an effort to save her household. I don’t know about you, but I think if I knew the city walls were about to crumble I would suddenly develop an interest in camping…OUTSIDE the city limits! My stuff would be packed and I would be leaving…and I’m not so sure I would see the logic of hanging a scarlet cord outside my window in “hopes” that my house wouldn’t come toppling down with the rest of Jericho. But this is what Rahab does, and her faith is evident to all. It directly affected the nation of Israel. It eventually affected her descendent, Boaz, who is a man known for his righteousness. And ultimately, it brought a legacy of faith for the generations that came behind her to follow after (Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25). Rahab’s faith directly influenced the direction of her children and the generations of children that followed.

The faith of a woman potentially moves a nation.

In the grand scheme of things, it is unlikely that Esther ever thought that her life would amount to much. She was an orphan. She was Jew. She was a woman. Three strikes…you know the saying. Even though she was an unlikely candidate for national fame, she did have three things going for her. She was an orphan…with a wise uncle. She was a Jew…meaning that she was part of God’s chosen people. She was a woman…and a beautiful one, to boot. And what seemed to be her pitfalls in life, turned out to be the very catalysts that propelled her to stardom: Queen of Persia.

It is evident that she had faith. She listened and obeyed the authority God had put in her life (Esther 2:20). She fasted and prayed, and called on the nation to fast and pray as well (Esther 4:16). She stepped out in faith believing in God to take an impossible situation and turn it for His people’s good (Esther 5). Her faith moved the heart of a godless king to have faith in her as well (Esther 8:8).

While it’s unlikely you or I will ever have the chance to be the Queen of Persia, we must not limit the potential our faith can have on changing a nation for Christ. The question isn’t who are you influencing. The question we must ask ourselves is HOW? How is my faith affecting those I come into contact with? In an effort to be positive influencers to the world around us, Mary Kassian offers four key ingredients that every wise woman takes to heart:

1. Choose positive and not negative influence. In other words, in order to choose what type of influence you are becoming, discern what types of influences you are letting in to your life.
2. Affecting Others through Strength of Character. Peter speaks about women using their conduct as a source of impact on an unbelieving husband, “that they may be won by the conduct of their wives.” (I Peter3:1-2)
3. Judicious with Words. Proverbs 16:23 says, “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.” A woman’s speech holds great power to influence those around her. Be wise with your words.
4. Rely on God to Effect Change. As Mary Kassian says, “A positive influencer kn ows that ultimately it is God, and not she, who effects positive change in a person’s life. So she relies on Him and on her most potent, influential tool – prayer.”

It is true: we are all influencers. We can’t choose who we are going to influence, or when we are going to influence them. But we can always…always…choose how.

(Sarah Bubar is a frequent contributor to the Girls Gone Wise blog. This post originally appeared on that site. For more excellent articles on biblical womanhood, please see www.girlsgonewise.com)

on being a mom

“I don’t just want my kids to be moral. I don’t just want them to know all of the Biblical rules for behavior. I don’t just want them to make it through my home with good grades, no drug addiction, and no premarital sex. I want them to leave my home with a hunger and passion to know God personally and to be used by Him to accomplish great things for His kingdom.”

“As I walk honestly before God, with my children watching, they will learn how to have a real relationship with Him as well. As they see me apologize to them and pray in front of them to ask for God’s forgiveness in my own life, my children will learn that God is a God of grace who forgives me and guides me. My worshiping Him in gratitude for a beautiful sunset or a rainbow gives them a pattern for their own spontaneous worship. As my children see me in the deep waters of life, being tested to my core and still holding on to my Lord and choosing to believe the best, this observation will prepare them for their own trials which will surely come. They will know that He will guide and forgive them as they lead an imperfect but devoted life before a loving Father who has always met their mother’s needs!”

“I don’t have to be a perfect mother – just an authentic believer.”

Sally Clarkson The Mission of Motherhood

Wisdom from a Bridal Shower

• When there’s trouble, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you or with him or something wrong with your family or his–it’s because God made you different than each other.
• Marriage is for sanctification.
• Remember no one will love him like you do.
• Read the Bible together every day.
• Pray together.
• Hold onto Jesus.
• Remember that all marriages are cross-cultural.
• Laugh a whole lot, especially when things are crummy.
• Never criticize him in front of other people.
• Let your behavior be respectful even when you don’t feel like it. Politeness like “please” and “thank you” can help clear the air.
• Be patient.
• Do things together, and time alone is important too.
• Appreciate each day. Don’t let things hang over from the past and don’t worry about the future.
• If you’re not feeling well, let him comfort you, and don’t go hide under the covers.
• Keep pursuing each other and learning each other.
• Make room for silliness.
• Stay friends.
• Learn how to celebrate together. You live close to your families, but make your own celebrations too for Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.
• Be as crazy as you can at home, then when sober times come, you can be sober. I hope you’ll have more than 62 years like we have.
• Let him be head of your house, and Jesus be head over all.
• Know every day about God’s sufficiency–not just in hard times, but all the time. I pray that God will lavish future grace on you.
• Go on the mission field. That will put everything to the test.
• Pray. Hug. Laugh.
• I wasted too much time wanting my husband to be what he wasn’t. Your husband is who you’ll know best from here on out. Enjoy who he is.
• Read out loud together.
• Launch out and be your own family, but remember you can call your mother anytime–and any of these friends too.
• A threefold cord is not easily broken. Please keep Jesus as the third strand in the cord of your life together.

11 rules for marriage that you won't learn in school

Rule 1: Marriage isn't about your happiness. It's not about you getting all your needs met through another person. Practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, patience, understanding, and forgiveness are the fundamentals of a great marriage. If you want to be the center of the universe, then there's a much better chance of that happening if you stay single.

Rule 2: Getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up. The best preparation for marriage for a single man is to man up now and keep on becoming the man God created him to be.

Rule 3: It's okay to have one rookie season, but it's not okay to repeat your rookie season. You will make rookie mistakes in your first year of marriage; the key is that you don't continue making those same mistakes in year five, year 10, or year 20 of your marriage.

Rule 4: It takes a real man to be satisfied with and love one woman for a lifetime. And it takes a real woman to be content with and respect one man for a lifetime.

Rule 5: Love isn't a feeling. Love is commitment. It's time to replace the "D word"--divorce--with the "C word"--commitment. Divorce may feel like a happy solution, but it results in long-term toxic baggage. You can't begin a marriage without commitment. You can't sustain one without it either. A marriage that goes the distance is really hard work. If you want something that is easy and has immediate gratification, then go shopping or play a video game.

Rule 6: Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing. Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing.

Rule 7: Women spell romance R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P. Men spell romance S-E-X. If you want to speak romance to your spouse, become a student of your spouse, enroll in a lifelong "Romantic Language School," and become fluent in your spouse's language.

Rule 8: During courtship, opposites attract. After marriage, opposites can repel each another. You married your spouse because he/she is different. Differences are God's gift to you to create new capacities in your life. Different isn't wrong, it's just different.

Rule 9: Pornography robs men of a real relationship with a real person and poisons real masculinity, replacing it with the toxic killers of shame, deceit, and isolation. Pornography siphons off a man's drive for intimacy with his wife. Marriage is not for wimps. Accept no substitutes.

Rule 10: As a home is built, it will reflect the builder. Most couples fail to consult the Master Architect and His blueprints for building a home. Instead a man and woman marry with two sets of blueprints (his and hers). As they begin building, they discover that a home can't be built from two very different sets of blueprints.

Rule 11: How you will be remembered has less to do with how much money you make or how much you accomplish and more with how you have loved and lived.

by Dennis Rainey

Praying Together

"Couples who do not pray are as badly off as those who stop sleeping together. Like lovemaking, prayer requires, in a sense, taking off the clothes, removing the shoes to touch holy ground."

Mike Mason

well meaning comments

What is it about women and giving advice? We feel the need to drop our opinion, our suggestions, our two cents whether solicited or not. I'm pointing my finger at myself. Dear daughter, do as I say, not as I do. I'm of the more opinionated out there. I struggle to hold my tongue.

As a young mother I often felt unnecessary pressure by well-meaning advice givers.... just a side comment, a quick under the breath suggestion, or a curious probing question meant to give an opinion not really looking for an answer.

• You haven't started potty training yet??? Oh, okay, well, I guess you must like changing diapers. Giggle giggle.
• You still let him have a pacifier? He's awfully old for that. He'll never learn to talk you know.
• Are you going to let her still drink out of a sippy cup?
• When are you planning on teaching him to tie his own shoes?

These are just a few pressure comments I've had said to me or over heard other mothers say to each other. I'm sure I've said them too without realizing just how much pressure it puts on the mother receiving these comments.

I remember feeling lots of guilt. Instead of feeling supported by other mothers I was made to feel like I was failing. I was failing as a mom and I was failing my children. They were going to grow up dysfunctional in some way. Then, the light bulb went on. Wait a minute! My son isn't going to still be sucking on a pacifier when he's 18 nor is my daughter going to wear diapers to high school! Why is everyone acting like just because my child has something 6 months later than their child did that mine will somehow be forever attached to it.

Looking back I'm proud to say that my son no longer carries his blanky around, my daughter doesn't drink from a sippy cup, there isn't even one pacifier in our house, and diapers are long gone and forgotten.

I had a choice. I could stress about all of these small milestones or I could just enjoy my children. I'm not encouraging waiting till they are 10 to wean them from nursing, to take the binky away, and to finally potty train them. What I am encouraging is that we don't measure our success as a parent by other people's standards and comments. I'm encouraging you to enjoy your children. It's better to create a nurturing and loving, healthy, happy, flourishing home life than it is to be high strung, up tight, stressed and in the process create more problems for your children than necessary. Yes, you may have your 2 year old potty trained but what did you have to do to get there? If it meant a year of causing anxiety and tension between you and your baby, it wasn't worth it friend. The relationship anxiety and the resulting personality issues that may come later are not worth the rigidness in your parenting.

Every child crosses milestones at different times. There is no cut and dry handbook for raising children that's accurate. If someone claims they have the book that solves it all then they are wrong. Allow your children to develop at their own speed. Help them try out new skills of course. Be sensitive to the signals that they are ready to take steps from babyhood to childhood. Be sensitive to how many things you work on at a time. Don't make it a stress issue.

One simple thing I learned to apply to every milestone.... if progress was made in one week's time then we stuck with it. If no progress was made in one week's time, we dropped it and waited a few more months for more maturity and skill to be present. This worked like a charm and helped temper our home resulting in peace.

Single or Married....idols

"There are two opposite errors about marriage into which a Christian single can fall. Idols that serve as functional saviors underlie these errors. The first idol is independence. When the idol of independence is worshiped, committed relationships, in general, and marriage, in particular, are dismissed or even disdained. Underlying this idol can be fear from a past hurt, the unhealed trauma of suffering through a parental divorce, or simply good old-fashioned selfishness, whereby someone does not want to make any life adjustments to accommodate another person. When heaven is conceived of as independence, and hell is conceived of as interdependence, then singleness is worshiped as a functional savior.

The second idol is dependence. When the idol of dependence is worshiped, then having someone to date is essential, being single is a crisis to be averted, and marriage is worshiped as the central guiding principle of life in which the longings for identity, joy, and relationship are to be satisfied. Underlying this idol can be a fear of being alone, a codependence that needs someone to lean on to an unhealthy degree, or a weak relationship with God so that it is not the primary defining and satisfying relationship in one’s life. When heaven is conceived of as a couple, and hell is conceived of as being single, then a dating partner or spouse invariably becomes the functional savior that is worshiped to get us out of our hell and into our heaven."

Religion Saves + Nine Other Misconceptions by Mark Driscoll