Ministry, Marriage and Mistakes

While I realize that this video will not print up into this blog when I make it a book, I decided to share it here, regardless, for any that are following this blog. My husband and I watched this video last night and I was moved to tears and a very long discussion took place after it was over as we marveled about our own sin in these areas of ministry and our marriage. While we have not struggled with all of the things mentioned or to the extent that he describes some pastors and their wives struggling with, we were convicted as we looked back over our years of ministry and how ministry has it's way of silently creeping it's way into your life as an idol.

It's applicable to couples who are not in full time ministry as well. If we don't protect our families and prioritize correctly we will suffer the consequences. While convicted and even grieving over our past struggles I was also encouraged by all the things I realize now that we've done right. We haven't become a statistic and our marriage has stayed close and very intimate through it all despite poor management at times on our part. Praise God.

Every couple entering church planting or full time ministry should have to watch this before they commit to go into ministry. God help the church and the pastors who lead them.

Be a student of your man

It's easy to interpret the personality of our spouse in the most negative terms. I'm not sure why we do this other than we are sinful and we want so badly for them to be perfect by our own definition that we become their worst critics.

As a young wife I often saw my husband (Daddy) as weak and apathetic. I wanted him to be more outgoing and to have a strong opinion. I wanted him to stand up for things immediately and yet I saw him as less than passionate about issues, not taking a stand, and as a coward. Would he not defend his own wife? Why can't he be more valiant? Why can't he just tell people how it is? Why does he take so long to make a decision or form an opinion. It drove me crazy for we were clearly opposites. How am I supposed to respect, obey, and submit to a husband who is weak? How can I follow his lead when clearly I need to lead him? These were my sinful and completely blind thoughts.

As I've learned to be a student of my husband and actually taken the time to study who he is I've come to realize that he is not weak, he is very strong. Much stronger than I. It takes a very strong person to be slow to speak and self controlled on the outside when there is a passionate fire burning inside about an issue. He is far from apathetic, he just doesn't show it in the same way I do. He is very willing and able to lead in a very loving and gentle way. He doesn't use my brash and unloving tactics. He has a gift for bringing people along to see things from his perspective instead of just steam rolling them and demanding that they conform to his thinking. He takes time to think before speaking even if that means getting back to someone a few days later. Something I would never do...I always speak before thinking and often regret my words. He has never been a coward. He has turned the other cheek. He has led me through our marriage very patiently. When I crumbled under criticism and lost the battles I decided to fight, he carried me. He is the strongest man I know.

Not all men are the same. Some of born leaders...command men. They lead passionately and expect their wives to serve them as if they king but in the end they make their wife their queen seated royally by his side. Some are adventurous...always inventing and exploring often never finishing one idea before they move to the next. They expect their wives to fasten their seat belts and hang on for the ride of their life....literally. But he will take her places she never dreamed of going and life will never be dull. Some are steady men....the work horse that is loyal. He's the slower of the three...slow and steady. Always reliable and used by many. Work horses are strong. They expect their wives to faithfully serve the world along side of them quietly without much recognition. In all of those men are different personalities to be discovered. It's worth taking the time to study (in books), to observe other people, to learn from older women, and to just study your own husband to realize how maybe the things that you perceive as weaknesses in your husband very well may be his unappreciated strengths.

How To Help Your Husband When He's Criticized

this is long but really good

In early March, C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney addressed a room full of couples being trained for pastoral ministry at the Pastors College. Soon these couples will return to their home churches to begin (or resume) the public and transparent life of pastoral ministry.

A question asked by one of the wives was simple: How should a wife respond when her pastor-husband is criticized? The question was asked in the context of pastor’s families, but the answer will likely benefit all married couples.

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Question: Carolyn, as a pastor’s wife, how do you handle situations where your husband is criticized or there is grumbling in the church about your husband?

Carolyn: Obviously, it certainly isn’t easy to have your husband criticized. But as wives, we must recognize our role as our husband’s helper and make sure we don’t take up an offense, which would not be helpful to our husbands. And that does not take place without a fight. This is the person you love the most in the whole world, and if someone is criticizing him, you can be easily offended and want to defend him. Yet, I must realize that taking an offense would be a disservice to my husband. So it’s important that we as wives guard our hearts, making sure we don’t take up an offense, seeking to serve our husbands as helpers.

C.J.: Your point is an excellent one. There have been many times that I have desired Carolyn to take up an offense—“Join me in my offense against this individual.” I’m not immediately happy that she hasn’t taken an offense, but I have learned that eventually she has served me invaluably when she does not take up an offense. In no way is she defending or justifying what others have said or done, but helping me monitor my heart, and impressing upon me that a sinful reaction from me would be more serious than whatever they are saying or doing, are the most effective ways she can serve me.

Sadly, over the years we have witnessed couples in ministry where wives have taken up an offense.

And this doesn’t just apply to sinful criticism, but also to when a husband is legitimately corrected by a member of the pastoral team or a member of the church. So you need both those categories. It’s difficult when those serving with your husband correct him in a certain area or bring an unfavorable evaluation. A wife might find herself more vulnerable to taking up an offense when her husband has been corrected. I am grateful for the way Carolyn has served me by not taking up an offense. And numerous times she has agreed with the correction, protecting me from arrogantly dismissing the correction and preventing me from sowing discord among those I serve in ministry.

So, whether it’s sinful criticism or legitimate correction of me, how do you guard your heart, Carolyn?

Carolyn: Wives should carefully listen to what’s being said. If there is something legitimate, bring that lovingly and carefully to your husband. I don’t think it serves a husband for a wife to just take the side of the person bringing criticism. But if there is a degree of truth, bring that in a way that serves him.

And just helping to mirror back to him what you are hearing him say. If he is sinning in response to the criticism, where appropriate, lovingly mirror that back to him: “It seems like this is how you are responding. Is this true? Are you offended at this person? Are you bitter?” Asking skillful questions.

It takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching in our own hearts to keep our hearts free from taking up an offense. But we must have a conviction about our role as our husband’s helper and ask, “What will truly help my husband?” It will not help him if I’m adding to the temptation he’s already experiencing. If he is being corrected or criticized, he’s already got a battle he is fighting. And if I come along and agree and participate in that, it makes his battle more difficult.

My husband has gone through seasons of correction, and it’s a temptation and fight. So I find myself having to pray for those who bring criticism or correction and filling my own heart with appropriate Scriptures so I can be a true helper to him during that time.

C.J.: Yes, but where they have been accurate observations—whether critics analyzing or friends correcting—you have courageously transferred that to me. Too often I have not been grateful in the moment. Eventually, I am grateful.

Would you say that one of the biggest challenges these ladies will confront as pastors wives is will be—when they hear the criticism or correction and they find there are aspects they agree with—how to inform their husbands of that without appearing to support any sinful attitude of others?

Carolyn: Yes. And I have through the years seen wives not do that, I’ve seen the effect and the outcome, and it has put the fear of God in me. At the moment it’s not always easy to take a stand and say, “I don’t think you’re responding humbly to this situation right now.” And it takes courage. Yet we’ve seen, because we’ve been in ministry for as many as we have, some very sad situations where I think wives really could have been the difference-maker if they would have challenged or confronted their husbands.

C.J.: So wouldn’t you say that over the years that some wives misunderstood submission and honor (or so it appears)? I think that has played a role. And for some it could be fear of man—fear of husband.

I can tell you this: For any marriage, correction of the husband by the wife would be one category on my short list of most important. If I observed a wife who was reluctant to correct her husband I would be concerned with that marriage. Obviously, I’m not arguing for a contentious marriage, but correction, humbly communicated, must be part of every marriage.

Part of what Carolyn has modeled personally and taught well is what she taught at the last Leadership Conference—“Watch Your Man”—in broadening an understanding and application of “helper” to include appropriate correction. I would argue that correction is not just part of marriage but an aspect of what it means to be fellow heirs of the grace of life.

Carolyn’s encouragement has been of immeasurable benefit to me, but equally so or more, on balance, has been her correction. She has protected me when sin was deceiving me. What a gift this has been to me!

Idols in the Christian Home

Upon entering the home of an understandably tired young mother, she lamented that her house was not tidy. She also described how she had prayed to Jesus for the kids to be more organized and clean, but Jesus was of no help at all. As I looked around the house, it actually seemed quite clean and tidy for being occupied by young children. There were a few toys out on the floor, but that was about it. Later in our visit, she actually said, “Everything is perfect until the kids wreck it.”

Her home had become her idol. Whenever her children left a toy out or spilled their juice, they were not merely sinning or making a mistake. To her, they were ruining her life and vandalizing her perfect, heavenly home. Or, to say it another way, they were not worshiping her idol. So, she prayed to Jesus, asking him to turn her children into idol worshipers who never left anything out or made a mess. Her frustration with Jesus was that he did not respect her dominion in her home/kingdom and was refusing to submit to her rule and serve her idol.

Furthermore, she was making her own children miserable, with the exception of one daughter who labored to keep the house clean like her mom and berated her siblings; she was turning into a second-generation, self-righteous idol worshiper. Making matters worse, when dad got home from work, he would grab a beer, sit in his chair, watch his television, and tune out his wife and children, ignoring what was going on in the home. His idol was comfort, and his beer, chair, and flat-screen television were his functional saviors. Saviors he preferred worshiping over Jesus, who wanted him to apply the gospel to himself, his wife, and their children so they could each smash their idols and live as worshipers of God alone; waiting for the day when they get to enjoy the perfect home Jesus is preparing for us.

taken from Resurgence