Ministry, Marriage and Mistakes

While I realize that this video will not print up into this blog when I make it a book, I decided to share it here, regardless, for any that are following this blog. My husband and I watched this video last night and I was moved to tears and a very long discussion took place after it was over as we marveled about our own sin in these areas of ministry and our marriage. While we have not struggled with all of the things mentioned or to the extent that he describes some pastors and their wives struggling with, we were convicted as we looked back over our years of ministry and how ministry has it's way of silently creeping it's way into your life as an idol.

It's applicable to couples who are not in full time ministry as well. If we don't protect our families and prioritize correctly we will suffer the consequences. While convicted and even grieving over our past struggles I was also encouraged by all the things I realize now that we've done right. We haven't become a statistic and our marriage has stayed close and very intimate through it all despite poor management at times on our part. Praise God.

Every couple entering church planting or full time ministry should have to watch this before they commit to go into ministry. God help the church and the pastors who lead them.

Single or Married....idols

"There are two opposite errors about marriage into which a Christian single can fall. Idols that serve as functional saviors underlie these errors. The first idol is independence. When the idol of independence is worshiped, committed relationships, in general, and marriage, in particular, are dismissed or even disdained. Underlying this idol can be fear from a past hurt, the unhealed trauma of suffering through a parental divorce, or simply good old-fashioned selfishness, whereby someone does not want to make any life adjustments to accommodate another person. When heaven is conceived of as independence, and hell is conceived of as interdependence, then singleness is worshiped as a functional savior.

The second idol is dependence. When the idol of dependence is worshiped, then having someone to date is essential, being single is a crisis to be averted, and marriage is worshiped as the central guiding principle of life in which the longings for identity, joy, and relationship are to be satisfied. Underlying this idol can be a fear of being alone, a codependence that needs someone to lean on to an unhealthy degree, or a weak relationship with God so that it is not the primary defining and satisfying relationship in one’s life. When heaven is conceived of as a couple, and hell is conceived of as being single, then a dating partner or spouse invariably becomes the functional savior that is worshiped to get us out of our hell and into our heaven."

Religion Saves + Nine Other Misconceptions by Mark Driscoll

Single and frustrated about it.....

Pray for single men and guard against bitterness. Society hardly encourages men to take initiative. Rather, they are told to shirk responsibility. Sitcom dads act like their children, and their wives treat them as such. No man wants that kind of family, so many fail to see the benefit of marriage. Today’s world works against Christian men who want to act biblically.

As their sisters in Christ, guard against resentment and bitterness. Instead, pray for these men. Pray for strong leaders to encourage them toward godliness. They need to be inspired to think outside of themselves and provoked to care for and lead others. They need courage. Pray that the Lord will give you wisdom to show appropriate love for them that will somehow encourage that very leadership they need to exercise. Pray, pray, pray.

Remember God’s providence. It may seem typical for me to tell you to pray and trust the Lord. But there’s no escaping reality: this is where our theology is put to work, when we see if it’s made of the right stuff. Let’s be thankful that the last word on your singleness is not left to guys who have too little courage, but to the God of the universe who has planned out its beginning to its end. Your singleness does not surprise God. It’s not a dilemma he needs to work around. It’s the very means to your holiness.

Whether single, dating, or married, pray that your heart is bent on complementing God’s means for your holiness and not kicking against it. Nothing better prepares you to trust the Lord in submitting to the leadership of your future husband than to trust the Lord when you are single.

Guard what you read and watch. Lots of books and movies marketed towards single women provoke selfishness, self-pity, and emotional indulgence. Guard your heart against being swept away with unbiblical emotions. Read books that promote a big vision of God and the gospel. Read books that prompt you to service. Encourage other single women in this as well.

Above all, pray for thankful hearts, because as far as the East is from the West, so far he has removed your sins. With hearts thankful for the good news of the gospel, you will be slow to think poorly of timid, single men and trust God’s good intentions for your life. As the Lord has been gracious and patient with your sin, be patient and gracious to single men, who are battling against the world’s enticements in order to be godly and courageous.

Taken from this post by John Starke

Free or Slave?

"[Feminism] is mixed up with a muddled idea that women are free when they serve their employers but slaves when they help their husbands." ". --G.K. Chesterton, The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton, vol. 4, p. 440

On being a stay-at-home-daughter

Whenever a conversation about raising homemakers gets started, you can be sure to expect a few standard responses. The one I most enjoy answering is: “Well, that’s all fine and good if a girl gets married at eighteen or twenty, but that’s not really likely in this day and age. What is she supposed to do with her in-between time? And what if she never gets married at all? Wouldn’t those homemaking skills go to waste? And wouldn’t her other gifts go to waste as well?”

Up until my sophomore year in high school, I wasn’t training to be a homemaker. Far from it, I thought that most housewives were housewives because they didn’t have the intellect or ambition to be anything else. I wanted to go to NYU to explore my interest in filmmaking -I wanted to go to Oxford to learn English and history at the school where my dad had done much of his post-graduate work. I wanted everything… except for the little white house with the picket fence -if you had asked me in high school whether or not I ever wanted a family of my own, I’d have answered you that I was pretty sure my spiritual gift was singleness.

Despite being raised by a homemaker (a stellar homeschool mama who graduated cum laude from one of the biggest historically black colleges in America) and loving her dearly, I always remember asking my mom how she “gave everything up” to be at home with us. She would always smile at me patiently, a twinkle in her eye, and say that she didn’t know how she had given up the opportunity to invest in her home for something else in the first place.

Even as my college dreams were gently laid to rest -as the Lord slowly began convicting me of the condescending attitude I had towards “those girls” who wanted nothing more than to be wives and mothers when they grew up -I found opportunities to use and nurture the gifts, passions, and abilities I had in this new context: the home.

Now twenty, I am what some would call a “stay at home” daughter. I have chosen to live at home under the covering of my family until marriage. It’s a complete turnaround from my former ambitions, and the only thing I could tell you about the girl who writes this article vs. her fiercely independent and ambitious high school counterpart is that I have really patient parents, who wanted to support me in whatever post-high school path I chose to take, and who constantly inspired me to stay immersed in God’s Word -I read fantastic resources that highlighted the beauty of a homeward calling -and I serve a mighty God, who changed my heart. I’m still headstrong -and I’m still ambitious -but my focus has changed. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman more than anything else in this world.

But what about these in-between years? Surely, learning to cook and clean should only take so much time. Can’t I go to college and get a career in the meantime, and drop it all when I get married?

I am a junior in an online college program, working towards an English literature degree. I am an aspiring author who just signed her first publishing contract last month. I am currently finished with the first draft of my first book and started on a second. I was the sole employee for my dad’s online store from sixteen to nineteen, and by the time we outsourced, I was filling one hundred orders and taking about twice that many phone calls a week. After I have my B.A., I would love to pursue a nouthetic counseling certification, and am already making plans to start my first home business teaching an literature/history/writing class.

Most importantly, I have a family to serve -five brothers, four of whom are five and under who keep me incredibly busy between wrangling and homeschooling (my mom lets me homeschool my three-year-old brother, which is a rewarding learning experience for both of us) -a dad who needs a research assistant, sometimes one who’s ready to run through three to five books a week to find what he needs -and a mom to whom I am an apprentice, from meal-plans to laundry to errands to anything else that she needs to do on a day-to-day basis.

I don’t assume that I will be married someday -the ratio of women to men in America is roughly 2 to 1, and, as a black woman, I know that there is a 54% chance that I will remain single. Although I do trust that, if it’s the Lord’s will that I marry, it only takes one man -the right man -to walk into my life for that to happen, I have lived a full life -I could ask for nothing more than the opportunities the Lord has given me here, or the room I have to take advantage of them.

If I don’t get married for ten years -if I never get married -I am planning to continue to develop those Proverbs 31 skills to bless my family, church, and community. If I have a homeward focus during singleness and end up remaining single, I have lost nothing -I have gained practical skills that have helped me to have a full life at home doing what I love with the people I love. If I spend my time only investing in those passions of mine that have nothing to do with becoming that Proverbs 31 woman, I have lost a lot of vital time in preparation, and, I would argue, some pivotal years of growth and ministry.

I am an individual -the Lord made me unique -special. The same is true of you -of your daughters -of your mothers. Embracing a homeward calling does not eradicate those unique aspects of my personality. It just focuses them on the most beautiful context I could possibly use them in: my home (Titus 2:3-5) . The more I learn about the exciting sphere of the home, the more I understand the secret behind my mother’s smile: honestly, there is no place I’d rather be.

Jasmine Bauchum

Hospitality and Single

This is taken from an interview with Dr. Pat Ennis, department head of The Master's College Home Ec. Department and co-author of Practicing Hospitality.

In reading Practicing Hospitality, I noted that you are a "mature single professional" (is, I think, how you termed it.) I've been talking to other single female friends that I know and asking them how difficult they find it to be to both extend and receive hospitality. They note it as a particular challenge, one expressing how awkward people feel around her single state in a room full of married couples and families. What advice would you give to the single, in particular, that might help to alleviate the awkwardness? You talked a bit about this subject in your book in Chapter 6, but I'm wondering if you'd have any additional or pointed advice to offer.

I am a “mature single professional” and as I shared in chapter 6, had I waited until I was married to practice hospitality, I would have missed hundreds of opportunities to minister to others. I truly understand the awkwardness at being a single individual in a room full of married couples and families. While my advice is not necessarily going to work for everyone, I can communicate what my gracious heavenly Father taught me that changed my entire outlook toward extending hospitality.

Early in my college teaching I was whining to Him about feeling like a misfit among married couples and families. He lovingly reminded me that as His adopted child I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10) regardless of my marital status. My failure to acknowledge my position as His daughter caused me to be discontent and was creating within me a stand-offish, aloof attitude. I was much like a porcupine on a cold winter night—I desperately needed to be with others but my prickly attitude caused others to shun me. As I allowed my heavenly Father to soften my heart I found that my lack of a spouse was not the challenge in my interpersonal relations—it was my attitude. The truth of Proverbs 18:24 and Philippians 4:11-12 was once again reinforced in my heart—to have friends I must be friendly and I am to be content as a single woman. This is to be my attitude toward others regardless of whether or not they respond positively.

My experience with singles is that many are isolated because they choose to be. Rather than reaching out to others, they wait for others to include them. It is important for singles to “stretch out their hands” to families, couples, and others who are alone and in need of companionship. This action is a character quality resident in the godly woman described in Proverbs 31:10-31. The principle is applicable to all believers, not just women.

The single person has much more discretionary time and often resources than a married person. 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 reminds us that the single person has the freedom to serve the Lord with fewer hindrances. Failure to use the single status to reach out to others is poor stewardship of one’s unmarried status. Eagerly practicing hospitality, using the suggestions in our book, can “prime the pump” to stimulate singles’ creativity. Thinking “outside of the box” rather than wallowing in self-pity is a step toward fulfilling the biblical instructions to extend hospitality—and remember they are instructions, not suggestions (Romans 12:13; Hebrews 13:2). I know, from personal experience, the joy of having submitted myself to these instructions and have many rich memories because of my choice to obey them.

A final word on this topic—singles practicing hospitality is like learning to ride a bike or roller blades. More than likely while they are learning the skill they can get bruised, scratched, and will sometimes be discouraged. But for the accomplished rider or skater the thrill of the activity is worth every obstacle that occurred to gain proficiency. Though perhaps lonely, a single is safe in isolation—but that’s not what Christians were saved for (Matthew 28:19-20). May I encourage you to take the risk and extend hospitality? I believe you will find joy in doing so!

Is he the one?

I've been asked by other girls over the years how you know he is Mr. Right before you marry him. I struggled with that question because for myself I just knew deep down inside and I wasn't sure why I knew, I just knew. My dating story includes a time of testing that confirmed in my mind that he was the one because my heart learned during that time that it never wanted to be away from him....I had a hard time imagining what life without him would be like. While I had to answer this question "if I don't get to marry him will God be enough?" I knew in my heart that life without him would be incredibly difficult.

While I think that is key, there is also another factor that I've learned over the years really matters. It's one simple question. Do you know his character? Well, in order to know his character you must invest time in knowing him and you must take the time to meet his family and his friends. It's important to see him interact in the relationships he has around him and see how he acts in every way. Knowing his social circle and the kind of friend he is to others will tell you a lot about the kind of friend he will be to you. When you see him handle stressful situations, when you watch him respond to others who treat him poorly, when you see him honor or dishonor his parents, you will see character or the lack there of. It takes time to watch a man walk with the Lord and time will reveal his godly character.

While many a girl has taken a risk on an internet relationship or a quick marriage after only meeting a few months back, if it has worked, they have simply gotten lucky. You really have a 50% chance in that case of marrying a man of good character. In that case you can only "hope" that his walk with the Lord is sincere and deep. You have to take his word for it. If you have not spent time observing him in his other friendships and/or family relationships you may not know what you are getting. You want to know how he deals with difficult times and how he communicates in relationships. You want to know what type of leader he will be in the home. Will he lead as one responding to God's call or will he lead selfishly?

No he will not be perfect. Perfection is not the measure of a godly man. Only a heart that is teachable, honorable, honest, forgiving, humble, and striving to glorify God. Search out his character. It will take time but it's time well invested. You will either be driven away by his character or you will fall in love with it. You will measure his faults and decide if they are faults you can live with and be a source of encouragement to. If you bring each other down as individuals instead of push each other up to live to your fullest for God's sake, then don't marry. Marry a man who convicts you to be better for God. He will love you enough to tell you the things you don't want to hear but need to hear. Don't marry the man that only tells you the things you want to hear. Only marry if you know that you will be a stronger team for the living of God's will.

And pray. God will give you peace and show you if he is the one. Don't marry until you have that answer.

good advice for young hearts

"Don't chase love that isn't there."

There is nothing quite so pathetic than a young girl making a fool of herself as she unashamedly flirts with a young man that shows no interest in her. I wish I had been given this advice at a young age. Do not chase love that isn't there...love that is only dreamed of or imagined. Maturity allows love to come to you. You won't have to chase it. Allow the man to show his fine chivalry by taking a risk on you. It's his manhood that is strong enough to put his heart out there and accept rejection if it is to come....it is not for the lady to expose her intentions first only to be rejected and humiliated. Obnoxious flirting never won anyone's true heart. Don't think that you have to flirt endlessly to get his attentions. Men usually notice all girls and put you into one of three categories. 1. a friend, 2. an attraction, or 3. someone to be avoided. Your excessive flirting will not move you from 1. over to 2. but it may move you from 1. or 2. into 3.

True love will come to you, you won't have to chase it.

"Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives." Jane Austen

Praying for a future spouse

Be committed to praying for your children's future spouse. Praying for your children is the best gift you can give them as a mother but praying for their future spouse is the icing on the cake.

I began praying for my own future spouse when I was in about junior high. I remember specifically praying for him (whomever he was) while I would jog in the afternoons. I kept praying for him all through high school not knowing that I had already met him by the time I was 16. I remember thinking shortly after we were married, "YOU are the one! I've been praying for YOU for years!!!!!!!!!" It was as if a surprise has been revealed to me! My heart had long been endured to this person's well being and spiritual walk...my spouse.

When I pray for my children's spouse I always preface it with God's will. I also pray for my children's singleness...because they will be single at least for a little while even if they marry. Yet if God is going to give them the gift of singleness then I pray for that as well.

Things I pray for my children's possible future spouses:
-their protection
-their childhood
-that they are surrounded by others who will give them the gospel regularly
-that they will know and love God from an early age
-that God will be molding them into the godly individual He desires them to be
-their parents
-the choices they make

What better way to endure your heart as a mother-in-law to the well being and spiritual growth of the person your child will someday marry.

Thoughts on Singleness

Regardless of our marital status, we were made to glorify God and to reflect Him to our world.

God has made women to be bearers and nurturers of life—we can do that whether or not He chooses to give us husbands and physical children.

If a woman has a contented, grateful heart, she will experience joy, regardless of her circumstances (or marital status). If she does not have a contented, grateful heart, there is no circumstance (or marital status) that can make her happy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss