Ministry, Marriage and Mistakes

While I realize that this video will not print up into this blog when I make it a book, I decided to share it here, regardless, for any that are following this blog. My husband and I watched this video last night and I was moved to tears and a very long discussion took place after it was over as we marveled about our own sin in these areas of ministry and our marriage. While we have not struggled with all of the things mentioned or to the extent that he describes some pastors and their wives struggling with, we were convicted as we looked back over our years of ministry and how ministry has it's way of silently creeping it's way into your life as an idol.

It's applicable to couples who are not in full time ministry as well. If we don't protect our families and prioritize correctly we will suffer the consequences. While convicted and even grieving over our past struggles I was also encouraged by all the things I realize now that we've done right. We haven't become a statistic and our marriage has stayed close and very intimate through it all despite poor management at times on our part. Praise God.

Every couple entering church planting or full time ministry should have to watch this before they commit to go into ministry. God help the church and the pastors who lead them.

Be a student of your man

It's easy to interpret the personality of our spouse in the most negative terms. I'm not sure why we do this other than we are sinful and we want so badly for them to be perfect by our own definition that we become their worst critics.

As a young wife I often saw my husband (Daddy) as weak and apathetic. I wanted him to be more outgoing and to have a strong opinion. I wanted him to stand up for things immediately and yet I saw him as less than passionate about issues, not taking a stand, and as a coward. Would he not defend his own wife? Why can't he be more valiant? Why can't he just tell people how it is? Why does he take so long to make a decision or form an opinion. It drove me crazy for we were clearly opposites. How am I supposed to respect, obey, and submit to a husband who is weak? How can I follow his lead when clearly I need to lead him? These were my sinful and completely blind thoughts.

As I've learned to be a student of my husband and actually taken the time to study who he is I've come to realize that he is not weak, he is very strong. Much stronger than I. It takes a very strong person to be slow to speak and self controlled on the outside when there is a passionate fire burning inside about an issue. He is far from apathetic, he just doesn't show it in the same way I do. He is very willing and able to lead in a very loving and gentle way. He doesn't use my brash and unloving tactics. He has a gift for bringing people along to see things from his perspective instead of just steam rolling them and demanding that they conform to his thinking. He takes time to think before speaking even if that means getting back to someone a few days later. Something I would never do...I always speak before thinking and often regret my words. He has never been a coward. He has turned the other cheek. He has led me through our marriage very patiently. When I crumbled under criticism and lost the battles I decided to fight, he carried me. He is the strongest man I know.

Not all men are the same. Some of born leaders...command men. They lead passionately and expect their wives to serve them as if they king but in the end they make their wife their queen seated royally by his side. Some are adventurous...always inventing and exploring often never finishing one idea before they move to the next. They expect their wives to fasten their seat belts and hang on for the ride of their life....literally. But he will take her places she never dreamed of going and life will never be dull. Some are steady men....the work horse that is loyal. He's the slower of the three...slow and steady. Always reliable and used by many. Work horses are strong. They expect their wives to faithfully serve the world along side of them quietly without much recognition. In all of those men are different personalities to be discovered. It's worth taking the time to study (in books), to observe other people, to learn from older women, and to just study your own husband to realize how maybe the things that you perceive as weaknesses in your husband very well may be his unappreciated strengths.

How To Help Your Husband When He's Criticized

this is long but really good

In early March, C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney addressed a room full of couples being trained for pastoral ministry at the Pastors College. Soon these couples will return to their home churches to begin (or resume) the public and transparent life of pastoral ministry.

A question asked by one of the wives was simple: How should a wife respond when her pastor-husband is criticized? The question was asked in the context of pastor’s families, but the answer will likely benefit all married couples.

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Question: Carolyn, as a pastor’s wife, how do you handle situations where your husband is criticized or there is grumbling in the church about your husband?

Carolyn: Obviously, it certainly isn’t easy to have your husband criticized. But as wives, we must recognize our role as our husband’s helper and make sure we don’t take up an offense, which would not be helpful to our husbands. And that does not take place without a fight. This is the person you love the most in the whole world, and if someone is criticizing him, you can be easily offended and want to defend him. Yet, I must realize that taking an offense would be a disservice to my husband. So it’s important that we as wives guard our hearts, making sure we don’t take up an offense, seeking to serve our husbands as helpers.

C.J.: Your point is an excellent one. There have been many times that I have desired Carolyn to take up an offense—“Join me in my offense against this individual.” I’m not immediately happy that she hasn’t taken an offense, but I have learned that eventually she has served me invaluably when she does not take up an offense. In no way is she defending or justifying what others have said or done, but helping me monitor my heart, and impressing upon me that a sinful reaction from me would be more serious than whatever they are saying or doing, are the most effective ways she can serve me.

Sadly, over the years we have witnessed couples in ministry where wives have taken up an offense.

And this doesn’t just apply to sinful criticism, but also to when a husband is legitimately corrected by a member of the pastoral team or a member of the church. So you need both those categories. It’s difficult when those serving with your husband correct him in a certain area or bring an unfavorable evaluation. A wife might find herself more vulnerable to taking up an offense when her husband has been corrected. I am grateful for the way Carolyn has served me by not taking up an offense. And numerous times she has agreed with the correction, protecting me from arrogantly dismissing the correction and preventing me from sowing discord among those I serve in ministry.

So, whether it’s sinful criticism or legitimate correction of me, how do you guard your heart, Carolyn?

Carolyn: Wives should carefully listen to what’s being said. If there is something legitimate, bring that lovingly and carefully to your husband. I don’t think it serves a husband for a wife to just take the side of the person bringing criticism. But if there is a degree of truth, bring that in a way that serves him.

And just helping to mirror back to him what you are hearing him say. If he is sinning in response to the criticism, where appropriate, lovingly mirror that back to him: “It seems like this is how you are responding. Is this true? Are you offended at this person? Are you bitter?” Asking skillful questions.

It takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching in our own hearts to keep our hearts free from taking up an offense. But we must have a conviction about our role as our husband’s helper and ask, “What will truly help my husband?” It will not help him if I’m adding to the temptation he’s already experiencing. If he is being corrected or criticized, he’s already got a battle he is fighting. And if I come along and agree and participate in that, it makes his battle more difficult.

My husband has gone through seasons of correction, and it’s a temptation and fight. So I find myself having to pray for those who bring criticism or correction and filling my own heart with appropriate Scriptures so I can be a true helper to him during that time.

C.J.: Yes, but where they have been accurate observations—whether critics analyzing or friends correcting—you have courageously transferred that to me. Too often I have not been grateful in the moment. Eventually, I am grateful.

Would you say that one of the biggest challenges these ladies will confront as pastors wives is will be—when they hear the criticism or correction and they find there are aspects they agree with—how to inform their husbands of that without appearing to support any sinful attitude of others?

Carolyn: Yes. And I have through the years seen wives not do that, I’ve seen the effect and the outcome, and it has put the fear of God in me. At the moment it’s not always easy to take a stand and say, “I don’t think you’re responding humbly to this situation right now.” And it takes courage. Yet we’ve seen, because we’ve been in ministry for as many as we have, some very sad situations where I think wives really could have been the difference-maker if they would have challenged or confronted their husbands.

C.J.: So wouldn’t you say that over the years that some wives misunderstood submission and honor (or so it appears)? I think that has played a role. And for some it could be fear of man—fear of husband.

I can tell you this: For any marriage, correction of the husband by the wife would be one category on my short list of most important. If I observed a wife who was reluctant to correct her husband I would be concerned with that marriage. Obviously, I’m not arguing for a contentious marriage, but correction, humbly communicated, must be part of every marriage.

Part of what Carolyn has modeled personally and taught well is what she taught at the last Leadership Conference—“Watch Your Man”—in broadening an understanding and application of “helper” to include appropriate correction. I would argue that correction is not just part of marriage but an aspect of what it means to be fellow heirs of the grace of life.

Carolyn’s encouragement has been of immeasurable benefit to me, but equally so or more, on balance, has been her correction. She has protected me when sin was deceiving me. What a gift this has been to me!

Wisdom from a Bridal Shower

• When there’s trouble, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you or with him or something wrong with your family or his–it’s because God made you different than each other.
• Marriage is for sanctification.
• Remember no one will love him like you do.
• Read the Bible together every day.
• Pray together.
• Hold onto Jesus.
• Remember that all marriages are cross-cultural.
• Laugh a whole lot, especially when things are crummy.
• Never criticize him in front of other people.
• Let your behavior be respectful even when you don’t feel like it. Politeness like “please” and “thank you” can help clear the air.
• Be patient.
• Do things together, and time alone is important too.
• Appreciate each day. Don’t let things hang over from the past and don’t worry about the future.
• If you’re not feeling well, let him comfort you, and don’t go hide under the covers.
• Keep pursuing each other and learning each other.
• Make room for silliness.
• Stay friends.
• Learn how to celebrate together. You live close to your families, but make your own celebrations too for Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.
• Be as crazy as you can at home, then when sober times come, you can be sober. I hope you’ll have more than 62 years like we have.
• Let him be head of your house, and Jesus be head over all.
• Know every day about God’s sufficiency–not just in hard times, but all the time. I pray that God will lavish future grace on you.
• Go on the mission field. That will put everything to the test.
• Pray. Hug. Laugh.
• I wasted too much time wanting my husband to be what he wasn’t. Your husband is who you’ll know best from here on out. Enjoy who he is.
• Read out loud together.
• Launch out and be your own family, but remember you can call your mother anytime–and any of these friends too.
• A threefold cord is not easily broken. Please keep Jesus as the third strand in the cord of your life together.

11 rules for marriage that you won't learn in school

Rule 1: Marriage isn't about your happiness. It's not about you getting all your needs met through another person. Practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, patience, understanding, and forgiveness are the fundamentals of a great marriage. If you want to be the center of the universe, then there's a much better chance of that happening if you stay single.

Rule 2: Getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up. The best preparation for marriage for a single man is to man up now and keep on becoming the man God created him to be.

Rule 3: It's okay to have one rookie season, but it's not okay to repeat your rookie season. You will make rookie mistakes in your first year of marriage; the key is that you don't continue making those same mistakes in year five, year 10, or year 20 of your marriage.

Rule 4: It takes a real man to be satisfied with and love one woman for a lifetime. And it takes a real woman to be content with and respect one man for a lifetime.

Rule 5: Love isn't a feeling. Love is commitment. It's time to replace the "D word"--divorce--with the "C word"--commitment. Divorce may feel like a happy solution, but it results in long-term toxic baggage. You can't begin a marriage without commitment. You can't sustain one without it either. A marriage that goes the distance is really hard work. If you want something that is easy and has immediate gratification, then go shopping or play a video game.

Rule 6: Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing. Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing.

Rule 7: Women spell romance R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P. Men spell romance S-E-X. If you want to speak romance to your spouse, become a student of your spouse, enroll in a lifelong "Romantic Language School," and become fluent in your spouse's language.

Rule 8: During courtship, opposites attract. After marriage, opposites can repel each another. You married your spouse because he/she is different. Differences are God's gift to you to create new capacities in your life. Different isn't wrong, it's just different.

Rule 9: Pornography robs men of a real relationship with a real person and poisons real masculinity, replacing it with the toxic killers of shame, deceit, and isolation. Pornography siphons off a man's drive for intimacy with his wife. Marriage is not for wimps. Accept no substitutes.

Rule 10: As a home is built, it will reflect the builder. Most couples fail to consult the Master Architect and His blueprints for building a home. Instead a man and woman marry with two sets of blueprints (his and hers). As they begin building, they discover that a home can't be built from two very different sets of blueprints.

Rule 11: How you will be remembered has less to do with how much money you make or how much you accomplish and more with how you have loved and lived.

by Dennis Rainey

Praying Together

"Couples who do not pray are as badly off as those who stop sleeping together. Like lovemaking, prayer requires, in a sense, taking off the clothes, removing the shoes to touch holy ground."

Mike Mason

Single or Married....idols

"There are two opposite errors about marriage into which a Christian single can fall. Idols that serve as functional saviors underlie these errors. The first idol is independence. When the idol of independence is worshiped, committed relationships, in general, and marriage, in particular, are dismissed or even disdained. Underlying this idol can be fear from a past hurt, the unhealed trauma of suffering through a parental divorce, or simply good old-fashioned selfishness, whereby someone does not want to make any life adjustments to accommodate another person. When heaven is conceived of as independence, and hell is conceived of as interdependence, then singleness is worshiped as a functional savior.

The second idol is dependence. When the idol of dependence is worshiped, then having someone to date is essential, being single is a crisis to be averted, and marriage is worshiped as the central guiding principle of life in which the longings for identity, joy, and relationship are to be satisfied. Underlying this idol can be a fear of being alone, a codependence that needs someone to lean on to an unhealthy degree, or a weak relationship with God so that it is not the primary defining and satisfying relationship in one’s life. When heaven is conceived of as a couple, and hell is conceived of as being single, then a dating partner or spouse invariably becomes the functional savior that is worshiped to get us out of our hell and into our heaven."

Religion Saves + Nine Other Misconceptions by Mark Driscoll

your wedding dress

Don't ever get rid of your wedding dress.

What a treasure of memories. Nothing more symbolizes the day of your unity to your daughter than your wedding dress. It represents the new identity you are clothing yourself to be in your husband. Your wedding dress conveys all that is feminine and represents your role as a woman. Your wedding ceremony is a foundation of godly marriage for the generations to come after you. At the alter you repeat the vows that generations of others before you have promised. You stand with others before you who have upheld God's design for marriage. By these vows you are united not only to each other but to the institution of marriage that God designed to represent His relationship with us. Becoming one flesh you set aside your previous identity and become this one man's helpmate. You wear a white dress to present yourself spiritually pure to the new leader of the home you will diligently manage. You wear a white dress adorned with beautiful elements to display your own beauty...the gift that you are to your husband. He will treasure that image of you in your wedding dress for the rest of his life.

Treasure your dress.
Preserve it.
Bring it out from time to time to remind yourself of that momentous day.
Show it to your daughters.
Let your daughters dress up in it and imagine themselves one day taking the vows that generations before them have girded themselves up with.
If you don't have daughters you may not know what it may one day mean to your daughter-in-law...

If you can't afford to have your dress preserved, the best thing you can do is to store it in black trash bags. This way it is protected from the light. This will help it not turn yellow with age. Keep it stored in a dry place where it can not mold. Keep bugs and moths away from it by storing it in a cedar chest or by placing cedar blocks around it. If you can afford to, you should at least have it cleaned after your wedding. Take it to an experienced dry cleaner.

Partings in Marriage

"Make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes" (celebrate his comings and make the least of his leavings)

I got this advice a little too late. When I was a young bride of 20 years old, I hated when my husband had to leave the house...even for work. Silly looking back on it. I would pout and make him feel guilty for leaving me. Yet, I have always excelled at making the most of his comings. Even when the children were toddlers I always rallied them into a frenzy when Daddy was returning home. We would jump up and down and shout together "Daddy is home!" and he'd walk in the front door only to get clobbered with hugs and kisses. We've kept this up and he is always greeted with a rush to the door and hugs all around...even knock-you-down-hugs as my kids affectionately call them.

Years into parenting, my husband once told me how much he loved that I made his returning to the family such a moment of celebration. It means a lot to him.

I out grew my pouting when he had to leave. Thankfully! Now I try to see him off with the same smile and kiss that greets him when he returns. Hopefully it shows him that I'm happy to hold down the fort while he is away.

One flesh and under his family head....

Why should you say “I do” to changing your name when you get married? I think there are six biblically-based reasons:

1. Unity: Scripture says that when you become married, you become one flesh with your husband. Changing your name to his reflects that fact. (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5)
2. Identification: Scripture teaches that it’s the man who launches out to establish a new family unit. Changing your name to his, and naming your children with the same name, identifies all of you as part of his family unit. (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5)
3. Commitment: Changing your name indicates that you are making a permanent, life-long commitment to your husband, and will henceforth be identified as being inseparably linked to him. (Rom. 7:2; Matt. 19:6)
4. Roles: Changing your name to his indicates that you affirm the biblical pattern of your husband being the head of your marriage and household. (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5)
5. Paradigm: Since the relationship between husband and wife is a paradigm of the relationship between Christ and the church, Christian women who change their name model and bear witness to the reality of Christ changing our names when we enter a relationship with Him. We—the church Bride—identify ourselves with Him and are called by His name when we become one with Him. Christ’s bride is rightly called by her Husband’s name. A woman who changes her name bears witness to this part of the gospel story. (Isa. 43:7, Acts 15:17, 2 Chron. 7:14, Rev. 3:12; 14:1)
6. Precedence: Adam named Eve. Twice. (Gen. 2:23; 3:20)

read the full article here

Free or Slave?

"[Feminism] is mixed up with a muddled idea that women are free when they serve their employers but slaves when they help their husbands." ". --G.K. Chesterton, The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton, vol. 4, p. 440

On being a stay-at-home-daughter

Whenever a conversation about raising homemakers gets started, you can be sure to expect a few standard responses. The one I most enjoy answering is: “Well, that’s all fine and good if a girl gets married at eighteen or twenty, but that’s not really likely in this day and age. What is she supposed to do with her in-between time? And what if she never gets married at all? Wouldn’t those homemaking skills go to waste? And wouldn’t her other gifts go to waste as well?”

Up until my sophomore year in high school, I wasn’t training to be a homemaker. Far from it, I thought that most housewives were housewives because they didn’t have the intellect or ambition to be anything else. I wanted to go to NYU to explore my interest in filmmaking -I wanted to go to Oxford to learn English and history at the school where my dad had done much of his post-graduate work. I wanted everything… except for the little white house with the picket fence -if you had asked me in high school whether or not I ever wanted a family of my own, I’d have answered you that I was pretty sure my spiritual gift was singleness.

Despite being raised by a homemaker (a stellar homeschool mama who graduated cum laude from one of the biggest historically black colleges in America) and loving her dearly, I always remember asking my mom how she “gave everything up” to be at home with us. She would always smile at me patiently, a twinkle in her eye, and say that she didn’t know how she had given up the opportunity to invest in her home for something else in the first place.

Even as my college dreams were gently laid to rest -as the Lord slowly began convicting me of the condescending attitude I had towards “those girls” who wanted nothing more than to be wives and mothers when they grew up -I found opportunities to use and nurture the gifts, passions, and abilities I had in this new context: the home.

Now twenty, I am what some would call a “stay at home” daughter. I have chosen to live at home under the covering of my family until marriage. It’s a complete turnaround from my former ambitions, and the only thing I could tell you about the girl who writes this article vs. her fiercely independent and ambitious high school counterpart is that I have really patient parents, who wanted to support me in whatever post-high school path I chose to take, and who constantly inspired me to stay immersed in God’s Word -I read fantastic resources that highlighted the beauty of a homeward calling -and I serve a mighty God, who changed my heart. I’m still headstrong -and I’m still ambitious -but my focus has changed. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman more than anything else in this world.

But what about these in-between years? Surely, learning to cook and clean should only take so much time. Can’t I go to college and get a career in the meantime, and drop it all when I get married?

I am a junior in an online college program, working towards an English literature degree. I am an aspiring author who just signed her first publishing contract last month. I am currently finished with the first draft of my first book and started on a second. I was the sole employee for my dad’s online store from sixteen to nineteen, and by the time we outsourced, I was filling one hundred orders and taking about twice that many phone calls a week. After I have my B.A., I would love to pursue a nouthetic counseling certification, and am already making plans to start my first home business teaching an literature/history/writing class.

Most importantly, I have a family to serve -five brothers, four of whom are five and under who keep me incredibly busy between wrangling and homeschooling (my mom lets me homeschool my three-year-old brother, which is a rewarding learning experience for both of us) -a dad who needs a research assistant, sometimes one who’s ready to run through three to five books a week to find what he needs -and a mom to whom I am an apprentice, from meal-plans to laundry to errands to anything else that she needs to do on a day-to-day basis.

I don’t assume that I will be married someday -the ratio of women to men in America is roughly 2 to 1, and, as a black woman, I know that there is a 54% chance that I will remain single. Although I do trust that, if it’s the Lord’s will that I marry, it only takes one man -the right man -to walk into my life for that to happen, I have lived a full life -I could ask for nothing more than the opportunities the Lord has given me here, or the room I have to take advantage of them.

If I don’t get married for ten years -if I never get married -I am planning to continue to develop those Proverbs 31 skills to bless my family, church, and community. If I have a homeward focus during singleness and end up remaining single, I have lost nothing -I have gained practical skills that have helped me to have a full life at home doing what I love with the people I love. If I spend my time only investing in those passions of mine that have nothing to do with becoming that Proverbs 31 woman, I have lost a lot of vital time in preparation, and, I would argue, some pivotal years of growth and ministry.

I am an individual -the Lord made me unique -special. The same is true of you -of your daughters -of your mothers. Embracing a homeward calling does not eradicate those unique aspects of my personality. It just focuses them on the most beautiful context I could possibly use them in: my home (Titus 2:3-5) . The more I learn about the exciting sphere of the home, the more I understand the secret behind my mother’s smile: honestly, there is no place I’d rather be.

Jasmine Bauchum

Advice for Brides

I really appreciated reading this article and look forward to our talks in the future on this topic. I thought about rewriting an article to be like this but realized that I couldn't put it into better words. It feels as if I had written it myself when she talks about the journey. With all the well-meaning books out there that talk to your kids for you about this topic, I plan on not using any of them. I plan on talking to my daughter myself. I'm working on developing that kind of relationship with her now so that later these conversations will flow naturally and joyfully!

the article source can be found here by Nicole Whitacre

Several weeks before each of her daughters got married, Mom took us away for a mother-daughter overnight. She wanted to have one final conversation before giving us away to our husbands.

Her counsel was simple: give yourself freely, passionately, completely to your husband.

The essence of our conversation is included in Mom’s book, Feminine Appeal:

“Marital sex is the pinnacle of human bonding. It is the highest form of the communication of love—a language that expresses love without words. It calls for the deepest, most powerful emotions. It creates intimacy within marriage like nothing else. In fact, as we give and receive the gift of lovemaking, this intimacy will grow stronger and more precious as the years go by. Each encounter will lead us to a deeper ‘knowing’ of the one we love.”

Sex “creates intimacy like nothing else.” All the shared joys and trials, all the deep and meaningful communication, certainly contribute to marital intimacy, but no experience can match the deep, inexplicable closeness that comes from a loving physical union within the confines of marriage.

“It’s a mystery,” I remember Mom saying. And so it is. This intimacy, this "knowing" that results from the physical relationship is beyond my ability to describe in words (although Solomon do so eloquently in his Song).

What I do know is that while I share fellowship and labors, joys and trials with many others, sex is something I share only with my husband. It’s our own little world, closed to all. Not even the dearest friend or family member can enter. We are on a journey, the two of us. An exclusive journey. A journey of love. We are creating memories known only to us. Secrets only we share.

The further we go on this journey, the bond between us grows more powerful and intense. The "knowing" grows deeper. The love grows sweeter.

Ten years after that conversation, I have to say--Mom, you were right.

take time

Life will always be busy (unless we eat the bread of idleness). I have found that if I wait for a "free moment" to have fun with my kids, to visit an elderly friend, to spend some quality time with my husband, or even to put my own feet up for a bit that it will never happen.

It might sound silly but actually scheduling some of those events onto my calendar can help make sure they happen. Cleaning my house can wait, the to-do list isn't going anywhere, and the laundry will eventually get done. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never got around to the important things because I was always too busy with housework, obligations, and to-do lists.

While keeping house, following through with obligations, and working hard to accomplish to-do lists are important in a different way, we have to find balance. Balance is the key to the busy woman's life. Balance is obtained with careful planning, conviction, maturity, prayer, and being relationship oriented instead of selfish.

In my efforts to be a hard working keeper of my home, faithful to my role as wife and mother, I can not forget to take time for other things. Schedule time, set aside time, plan out times, make those times happen. Sometimes it's a lot of work, like planning a family fun day that includes an outing but it's worth the work that goes into it. You won't regret the times you took to do those things.

Take time.

in a perfect world.....

I was a new young mom standing in the pediatrician's office concerned that things weren't going the way they were "supposed" to go with my baby to which the doctor replied, "In a perfect world, yes, you are right, but we don't live in a perfect world." There are no "supposed to"s with new babies and new mothers in the sense that they all do and act the same way.

I've had that phrase, "in a perfect world..." echoing in my mind ever since that day. Anytime I had concern about the development of one of my toddlers, illnesses I didn't know were coming my way, or life changes that I was unprepared for, I hear that pediatrician saying "in a perfect world...." No, we don't live in a perfect world.

So, why am I so surprised when life throws me a curve ball? Why, when a trial comes my way and life doesn't go according to MY plan do I act as if something strange is happening to me. It's not a perfect world so I shouldn't expect things to go the way they are "supposed to go"....whatever that is. What's normal anyway?

Realizing that the world is not perfect and that life is incredibly unpredictable, out of MY control, and lacking in "supposed to"s will help me to lower my false expectations. False expectations are something I've come to realize that we women are most susceptible to. False expectations let us down and leave us confused.

The only expectation I should have is that life is going to be hard and yet, if I let Him, God will hold me through it all. It reminds me of that song by Natalie Grant; Held. Whatever your storm is today, whatever was "supposed to" happen, whichever of your expectations are crumbling, whatever has you completely desperate.....remember that in an imperfect world, trials come and it reminds us of what it means to be held by God. This applies to every area of our lives; our marriages, our parenting, our friendships, our churches, etc.

Thanks Dr. Mendelson for opening my eyes to the fact that my expectations for a perfect world are unrealistic. I'm sure he didn't realize what an impact that one phrase made on me that day.

What is realistic? I have hope in a perfect God who holds me through every imperfection life has for me.

(Dr. Mendlelson was not only my firstborn's pediatrician but also mine. My firstborn is now 10 years old. )

Is he the one?

I've been asked by other girls over the years how you know he is Mr. Right before you marry him. I struggled with that question because for myself I just knew deep down inside and I wasn't sure why I knew, I just knew. My dating story includes a time of testing that confirmed in my mind that he was the one because my heart learned during that time that it never wanted to be away from him....I had a hard time imagining what life without him would be like. While I had to answer this question "if I don't get to marry him will God be enough?" I knew in my heart that life without him would be incredibly difficult.

While I think that is key, there is also another factor that I've learned over the years really matters. It's one simple question. Do you know his character? Well, in order to know his character you must invest time in knowing him and you must take the time to meet his family and his friends. It's important to see him interact in the relationships he has around him and see how he acts in every way. Knowing his social circle and the kind of friend he is to others will tell you a lot about the kind of friend he will be to you. When you see him handle stressful situations, when you watch him respond to others who treat him poorly, when you see him honor or dishonor his parents, you will see character or the lack there of. It takes time to watch a man walk with the Lord and time will reveal his godly character.

While many a girl has taken a risk on an internet relationship or a quick marriage after only meeting a few months back, if it has worked, they have simply gotten lucky. You really have a 50% chance in that case of marrying a man of good character. In that case you can only "hope" that his walk with the Lord is sincere and deep. You have to take his word for it. If you have not spent time observing him in his other friendships and/or family relationships you may not know what you are getting. You want to know how he deals with difficult times and how he communicates in relationships. You want to know what type of leader he will be in the home. Will he lead as one responding to God's call or will he lead selfishly?

No he will not be perfect. Perfection is not the measure of a godly man. Only a heart that is teachable, honorable, honest, forgiving, humble, and striving to glorify God. Search out his character. It will take time but it's time well invested. You will either be driven away by his character or you will fall in love with it. You will measure his faults and decide if they are faults you can live with and be a source of encouragement to. If you bring each other down as individuals instead of push each other up to live to your fullest for God's sake, then don't marry. Marry a man who convicts you to be better for God. He will love you enough to tell you the things you don't want to hear but need to hear. Don't marry the man that only tells you the things you want to hear. Only marry if you know that you will be a stronger team for the living of God's will.

And pray. God will give you peace and show you if he is the one. Don't marry until you have that answer.

good advice for young hearts

"Don't chase love that isn't there."

There is nothing quite so pathetic than a young girl making a fool of herself as she unashamedly flirts with a young man that shows no interest in her. I wish I had been given this advice at a young age. Do not chase love that isn't there...love that is only dreamed of or imagined. Maturity allows love to come to you. You won't have to chase it. Allow the man to show his fine chivalry by taking a risk on you. It's his manhood that is strong enough to put his heart out there and accept rejection if it is to come....it is not for the lady to expose her intentions first only to be rejected and humiliated. Obnoxious flirting never won anyone's true heart. Don't think that you have to flirt endlessly to get his attentions. Men usually notice all girls and put you into one of three categories. 1. a friend, 2. an attraction, or 3. someone to be avoided. Your excessive flirting will not move you from 1. over to 2. but it may move you from 1. or 2. into 3.

True love will come to you, you won't have to chase it.

"Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives." Jane Austen

Praying for a future spouse

Be committed to praying for your children's future spouse. Praying for your children is the best gift you can give them as a mother but praying for their future spouse is the icing on the cake.

I began praying for my own future spouse when I was in about junior high. I remember specifically praying for him (whomever he was) while I would jog in the afternoons. I kept praying for him all through high school not knowing that I had already met him by the time I was 16. I remember thinking shortly after we were married, "YOU are the one! I've been praying for YOU for years!!!!!!!!!" It was as if a surprise has been revealed to me! My heart had long been endured to this person's well being and spiritual walk...my spouse.

When I pray for my children's spouse I always preface it with God's will. I also pray for my children's singleness...because they will be single at least for a little while even if they marry. Yet if God is going to give them the gift of singleness then I pray for that as well.

Things I pray for my children's possible future spouses:
-their protection
-their childhood
-that they are surrounded by others who will give them the gospel regularly
-that they will know and love God from an early age
-that God will be molding them into the godly individual He desires them to be
-their parents
-the choices they make

What better way to endure your heart as a mother-in-law to the well being and spiritual growth of the person your child will someday marry.

How to love a husband

1) Pray for him

- ministry

- struggles

- personal walk

- work 

-as a father

-as a husband

-as the leader of your home

2) Plan for him daily

- do things to serve him

- dinners

- alone time

- dinners alone

- kids to bed early/on time

- rise early with him

3) Prepare for him daily

-be home when he gets home

- prepare the house

- prepare your appearance

- prepare children's appearance

- prepare your greeting

- set the table

- clear out all visitors

- stay off the phone

4) Please him

5) Protect your time with him

6) Physically love him
            -pursue him

            -be available

7) Positively respond to him

8) Praise him (in private and in public)

- search your heart

-determine never to speak poorly of him

9) Pray always

- before you speak in the morning

- any time he is home

- throughout the evening

- on the way to answer the phone (it could be him)

- when you are arriving home and he is already there

adapted from Elizabeth George books

Purpose as a married woman....

My primary purpose and role each day is to help my husband, share in his responsibilities, to respond to his nature, and to wholeheartedly cooperate with him in God's plan for our life together.