Great Expectations

Expectations can kill a woman. I'm not talking about the expectations others put on her. Those can kill her too I suppose if she doesn't handle them well. What I AM talking about are the expectations she has herself. Not expectations she has for herself but for others. In life and counseling I've come to find that expectations can leave women devastated and feeling unloved. Whether it's false expectations of a young man whom she is interested in, false expectations of an evening out with her spouse, or false expectations of what she dreams as the perfect family vacation. It's all the same, false!

I've come to think that the most damaging expectations are the ones we put on our spouse. Women tend to romanticize everything. When we start to "expect" that our husband should do such-and-such (because that would be the romantic thing to do of course!) and he fails to do it, we are left feeling that he isn't romantic or worse, that he doesn't love us.

I call them "love test". It can be as simple as putting down the toilet seat. See, the young wife tells herself, "darn it, he left that seat up again! I keep asking him to put it down! He must not care enough about how it effects me! That's it! Today when he comes home I'll see if he leaves it up again. If he does then he must not love me." Said innocent, tired from work (working to provide for said young bride as a way of loving her) unaware of the "love test" that has been set up for him, walks through the door and into the bathroom he goes. He comes out and there stands his wife in tears who seconds ago was smiling and welcoming him home. Baffled, he asks why she is crying. He can't imagine what he has done now to disappoint the bride he loves. She explains that he must not love her anymore because he has left the toilet seat up again.

An expectation was set and not met. It happens on an evening out together. A chance to get away from the kids and enjoy some talking time. Yet all day, in anticipation of the evening alone, a woman will often start day dreaming about the evening and set up expectations in her mind.....like, "well, since we are going out he should get my door for me every time, he should have a romantic restaurant planned out, oh and I'm sure he's thought ahead to reserve our favorite booth in the corner, and I bet he's going to surprise me with a little gift cause it's been awhile since he's done that...oh my, what if it's the diamond earrings that I've been hinting out for a few years....I know that if he loves me he'll think to do these things."

Husband comes in the door beat up from a long day at work, looking forward to his relaxing night out with his wife, only to come out of the bedroom changed into super casual clothes and asks "can we just go through the drive-thru tonight and then hang out at the park to eat it....I'm beat and I really don't feel like sitting around a bunch of people." All dressed up, she starts sobbing and you know the rest....they don't go out but instead spend the next two hours sorting out the motives of each other.

Then there is the family vacation.....she expects that they'll do such-and-such, eat at such-and-such, go to such-and-such, and take perfect pictures of the kids doing such-and-such. She doesn't expect there to be any car sickness, any travel delays, no closed destinations, no bad weather, an always happy and rested husband, no getting lost, no sick kids, and that she'll be putting her feet up most of the trip. HA! Lots of false expectations. It's even worse if they don't take the kids. A vacation alone as a couple is a recipe for false expectations.

Like I said, expectations can kill a woman....bit by bit, expectation by expectation. It's a discipline that we have to challenge ourselves to take on- being realistic and not setting expectations.

Some of the best advice I got a few weeks before my wedding was from a young wife and mother who was mentoring me....she said, "your husband is going to fail you." That's it. She just said it and paused. I looked at her totally confused. "Nooooooo" I thought to myself there is no way this man who loves me so much is going to fail me! I thought she was nuts. I was truly blind to the fact that he would fail. He is human. He has weaknesses (not many that I would acknowledge at the time) and he was going to fail me. In fact, she could have said, "He's going to fail you all the time, time and time again!"

What I didn't realize until many years later was that I could have cut his "failings" in half if I had not been the one setting him up for failure with love tests.

Don't let expectations ruin you. Don't expect others to think and act a certain way. Allow others to be who they are. Give your spouse the gift of letting him be as he needs to be without love tests. Don't expect your girlfriends to do certain things for you, they will fail you too. Don't expect every young man you take interest in to fall in love with you. Dwell on how you can meet your husband's needs at the end of a tiring day, not how he can meet yours. When you both do this, you will minister to each other, your needs will be met, and you can day dream together about an evening out or a vacation....set your secret expectations aside.

Be realistic.

Don't measure love by unmet expectations.