don't compare

One of the most damaging things you can do to yourself and your family as a wife and mother is compare yourself to others. It's hard not to do since we compare ourselves without even thinking most of the time. You have to take those thoughts and blot them out before they run amiss with you.

Comparing ourselves to other born-sinners, other imperfect moms with other weaknesses and strengths only leads us into the sin of jealousy. Jealousy is sin. Plain and simple. Our standard is not our girlfriend who we think has it all together (but really doesn't) or the older woman at church that we idolize. It's not our mother or our sister, not our neighbor, not our Bible study leader, not even the woman in line in front of us at the grocery store. No, the standard is Christ. Our focus should be fixed on Jesus as we strive for holiness knowing we will not fully attain it until we walk through the pearly gates. Other women are a poor standard...a pathetic standard. Get a real standard....Christ.

Besides, women who look like they have it all together don't. It's not possible to be the perfect wife or the perfect homemaker, or the perfect mother. In fact, it's not possible to be ALMOST the perfect woman. You don't know her weaknesses and you surely don't know the thoughts in her mind or what goes on behind clothes doors. You don't know her struggles. You most likely don't even know what her trials are or what life has dealt her in the past. You surely don't know what her future trials and struggles will be.

Some women that I've thought were perfect in the past have:

- gotten divorced
- raised wayward children
- had eating disorders
- husbands have had affairs
- suffer from diseases
- have had breast cancer
- lost their homes
- ended up in counseling
- thought about suicide
- made bad choices that had tough consequences
- had miscarriages
- had affairs themselves
- left their husbands
- left their children
- raised spoiled disobedient children
- abandoned me as a friend
- lied
- shown favoritism
- had bad attitudes
- been very selfish
- walked away from God and the church
- admitted themselves to a psych ward
- made decisions they've regretted
- had their baby die
- have acted very prideful

Comparing isn't fair to other women and it's not fair to you. Be a genuine friend who realizes we all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have trials. A mature and godly woman looks at each woman for what they are; a sinner just like herself in need of grace. It's only through the grace of God that any of us accomplish anything good for even part of our day. There is no good in any of us other than what God has graciously bestowed upon us.

Do your husband and children a favor as well and don't compare them to others either.

Hospitality and Single

This is taken from an interview with Dr. Pat Ennis, department head of The Master's College Home Ec. Department and co-author of Practicing Hospitality.

In reading Practicing Hospitality, I noted that you are a "mature single professional" (is, I think, how you termed it.) I've been talking to other single female friends that I know and asking them how difficult they find it to be to both extend and receive hospitality. They note it as a particular challenge, one expressing how awkward people feel around her single state in a room full of married couples and families. What advice would you give to the single, in particular, that might help to alleviate the awkwardness? You talked a bit about this subject in your book in Chapter 6, but I'm wondering if you'd have any additional or pointed advice to offer.

I am a “mature single professional” and as I shared in chapter 6, had I waited until I was married to practice hospitality, I would have missed hundreds of opportunities to minister to others. I truly understand the awkwardness at being a single individual in a room full of married couples and families. While my advice is not necessarily going to work for everyone, I can communicate what my gracious heavenly Father taught me that changed my entire outlook toward extending hospitality.

Early in my college teaching I was whining to Him about feeling like a misfit among married couples and families. He lovingly reminded me that as His adopted child I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10) regardless of my marital status. My failure to acknowledge my position as His daughter caused me to be discontent and was creating within me a stand-offish, aloof attitude. I was much like a porcupine on a cold winter night—I desperately needed to be with others but my prickly attitude caused others to shun me. As I allowed my heavenly Father to soften my heart I found that my lack of a spouse was not the challenge in my interpersonal relations—it was my attitude. The truth of Proverbs 18:24 and Philippians 4:11-12 was once again reinforced in my heart—to have friends I must be friendly and I am to be content as a single woman. This is to be my attitude toward others regardless of whether or not they respond positively.

My experience with singles is that many are isolated because they choose to be. Rather than reaching out to others, they wait for others to include them. It is important for singles to “stretch out their hands” to families, couples, and others who are alone and in need of companionship. This action is a character quality resident in the godly woman described in Proverbs 31:10-31. The principle is applicable to all believers, not just women.

The single person has much more discretionary time and often resources than a married person. 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 reminds us that the single person has the freedom to serve the Lord with fewer hindrances. Failure to use the single status to reach out to others is poor stewardship of one’s unmarried status. Eagerly practicing hospitality, using the suggestions in our book, can “prime the pump” to stimulate singles’ creativity. Thinking “outside of the box” rather than wallowing in self-pity is a step toward fulfilling the biblical instructions to extend hospitality—and remember they are instructions, not suggestions (Romans 12:13; Hebrews 13:2). I know, from personal experience, the joy of having submitted myself to these instructions and have many rich memories because of my choice to obey them.

A final word on this topic—singles practicing hospitality is like learning to ride a bike or roller blades. More than likely while they are learning the skill they can get bruised, scratched, and will sometimes be discouraged. But for the accomplished rider or skater the thrill of the activity is worth every obstacle that occurred to gain proficiency. Though perhaps lonely, a single is safe in isolation—but that’s not what Christians were saved for (Matthew 28:19-20). May I encourage you to take the risk and extend hospitality? I believe you will find joy in doing so!

Raising Sons

This is a really great article about the changes that take place between boyhood and manhood which help explain the behavior of boys and how to respond. Thanks to those who posted it on their blogs bringing it to my attention. I wanted to be sure and record it here for Emilee if she has sons.

Mother number one: “I simply can’t understand what has happen to my son John. He has always been the one child I could trust to consistently do what is right. He has always been so thoughtful, polite and sensitive to the younger children; and even though his attitude is still good, he does the most unexpectedly mean things. Like the other day, I heard his younger brothers crying and hollering. I raced into the room and found him sitting on them, holding one in a headlock and laughing, having a great time. He was ashamed as soon as I began to reprimand him, and he immediately asked his little brothers to forgive him. How could he enjoy doing something so mean and then have such a repentant heart five minutes later? What has happened to my son?”

Mother number one thousand, three hundred and seventy two: “Our thirteen-year-old son has always been such a joy to us. He has a heart for God that has caused him to seek to do all he can for others. But just lately, totally out of character, he seems to be asserting his will over mine. It’s like he wants to gain authority over his younger brothers and sisters and occasionally, even me. This new person really runs into trouble with his father, who takes his son’s questions as a personal insult and really comes down hard. For the first time as parents, we disagree on how to handle our children. We both know we cannot let it go, but how do we deal with this new kid? Our son’s attitude still seems so right, but it almost looks like a seed of rebellion. It is hard to explain. What has happened to my sweet little boy?”

Debi Pearl responds:

Have you ever raised chickens? We have eight hens and one rooster. Many times I have gone out to work in the garden and noticed our rooster making a pest of himself. The hens will be busy scratching the ground, and then he runs over and shoves them away. The little hens just turn and start scratching some other place. The rooster waits a few seconds and again shoves another one around. Of course, every time I open the hen house door I run for dear life, or he will be trying to shove me around. That crazy old rooster doesn’t know how many times I have pondered putting him in the cooking pot. When Mike is outside, the rooster steers a wide path. On occasions Mike has had me let the hens out while he hides around the corner just so he can give the rooster a heart attack. I figure it takes a bigger rooster to intimidate a smaller rooster—and of course, enjoy the intimidation. It is a mystery to me why the rooster feels compelled to be such a jerk, but Mike thinks its real funny.

I said all this to tell you, I suspect your little roosters are feeling their natural hormonal competitive instincts, and as of yet haven’t learned to harness their urges to dominate. Since it takes a rooster to understand a rooster, I’m going to let the big rooster in this family tell you how we handled this new and exciting challenge when our boys came of age.

Mike Pearl continues:

Thanks for that introduction, Deb. Remember, behind every good rooster is a good hen. The two mothers above, voicing their concerns, are representative of many homeschool mothers. If your children are away from home most of the day, attending school, you will not be as aware of this change that occurs in the thirteen and fourteen-year-old boys. But when the mother has her “sweet son” under her constant tutelage, the inevitable physical and psychological changes that come with puberty will be a shock to her concept of childhood submission. The boy’s “problem” is a result of gushing, exploding, rampaging hormones. In the Eastern cultures, it has been traditional to remove the boys from the women’s quarters to the men’s domain before this change takes place.

It is often obscured in our perverted culture, but a boy’s destiny is to become a man. Although, prior to puberty, boys are psychologically different from girls, the contrast increases to stark dimensions when they each go through this natural, maturing change we call puberty. The male becomes more independent and domineering. This independence is not just directed at females but at all people and things. Keep in mind that the boys are growing into a role of leadership. Leadership in the male population is not just an office they inherit upon marriage or at some manhood graduation ceremony; it is a growing process that causes them to begin to assume authority at puberty. It is not natural for a woman to rule over a man. For that reason, the young man’s conflict is more prominent with his mother than with his father.

You may observe, and want to protest, that your young teenage son is just a child with no abilities or wisdom to lead. This is generally true; but leadership in a man does not necessarily come from wisdom or ability. It is initially hormonal and psychological. The boys will become more competitive and aggressive. They begin to step away from the crowd (including the family) and seek their identity alone. They become self-assured and cocky. They are ready to conquer, go to war if necessary. As their “own man” they may question untried authority or challenge unproved regulations. They are beginning the process of marching to their own drumbeat, and not that of the crowd, including their mother’s.

Fathers can also have a problem with this development in their sons. Remember, the father has been the rooster of the yard, and suddenly he is challenged. If he is insecure, especially if he does not have the submission of his wife, he may rise in anger against this challenging upstart. For twelve or thirteen years, with just a hard look he has been able to crush any challenge. Suddenly his hard look is returned. He may fly into a rage to try to strike down his challenger.

To compound the problem, if the father does not cherish the females in his life, the son may not discipline his own feelings of dominance or conquest. He must have his impulses tempered with wisdom and kindness. It is not desirable to break these male impulses, only to channel them. Gentlemen are not broken men who have no urges to conquer, but men who know how to vent their steam on creative living rather than against others. When a man or boy finds his identity in the process of ruling over others, it is an unjustified use of his impulses and powers.

When a young man (going through puberty) experiences this change, it is time for him to be engaged in hard work with the men. It is against nature to place a developing young man in the care of his mother. His impulses are to care for her. He needs to be straining his muscles, putting his back to the burden. If his education continues, it should be under the tutelage of the men. A boy could sit down for a short time to the teaching of his mother if his body and mind have been engaged in a man’s world. The conflict comes when the parents do not recognize and provide outlets for his development. A little steam continuously released is of no consequence; but if it is bottled up, it will become a great explosion.

Ideally, the boys should be engaged in physical labor, but if you find yourself locked into this strange American culture and feel you are unable to make a change, understanding your son’s developing passions will enable you to artificially make allowances. For instance, Mother, if you must have your son under your constant care, provide outdoor activity for him. Allow him to go out and do something physical about every hour. Do not try to pen him up like a docile female. Let the boys run, jump, holler, wrestle, climb, and race on bicycles. One mother supplied their garage with tools and had someone teach her boys how to use them. They spend most of their day making things, which they sell. When it does come time for book learning, they are calm and relaxed.

Some families have been able to create a mini farm on one or two acres where the boys can tend animals and make repairs or modifications on buildings or fences. Small engine repair or rebuilding old bicycles and selling them are just a few of the possibilities.

You say, “But my son is so ignorant now, he needs to be in school.” Most of the boy’s time is probably spent daydreaming and griping. Put him to a physically exhausting or mentally challenging task and he will learn more in one tenth of the classroom time.

Mother, you must turn loose of the sweet boy and let the man emerge. Demand respect and obedience, but learn to live with another man in the house. In the dark ages, they often castrated the male household servants to maintain the docile boys, living in unquestioning submission. I wouldn’t give a dime for a boy who didn’t put his brothers in a headlock occasionally. Real boys are like the old coal-burning steam engines; they make a lot of noise and smoke. They blow their whistles so everyone will know they are coming and get out of the way; but mostly they are just letting off steam. Mother, picture yourself as rearing a leader of other men, a conqueror of frontiers, a missionary who will laugh in the face of death and charge hell with a King James Bible; then you will not be disturbed by this growing change.

This article by the Pearl's can be found here.

Modesty Begs the Question...

• is it too short?
• is it too low cut?
• is it too tight?
• is it too loose?
• is it too see through?
• is it gaping when I bend over?
• are the buttons too far apart?
• is it needing a safety pin?
• is it inching up?
• is it allowing skin to be exposed that shouldn't be?
• is it sloppy?
  
• is it revealing when I kneel down?
• does it look like underwear?
  
• is it age appropriate?
• is it drawing attention to places it shouldn't?
  
• is it compromising?
• is Daddy okay with it?
• is it honoring to God?
• is it about getting attention?
• is it setting a good example?
• is it even worth having in my closet?
  

Clothes Shopping Tip

I always ask at the store if I can keep the pinchy clip hangers that shorts, skirts, and pants come on because they are great to hang skirts on at home.

Proverbs 31:13 and 14

NIV
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

NASB

¹³She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
¹⁴She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.

KJ

¹³She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

¹⁴She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

NLT

¹³ She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.

Thoughts from Emilee and Mama-

We can choose to do our work with a happy heart or we can make ourselves miserable by grumbling and complaining about our work. While it would be nice to have ten maids to do our work for us, we would most likely become lazy, unproductive, and our men would not praise us.

Finding healthy foods that are organic, unprocessed, GMO-free, natural, and farm raised is not an easy task but a worthy one. Mama works hard to get our family the best and most real food and it doesn't come from the store down the street. She has to gather it from all over and some of it is from afar.

take time

Life will always be busy (unless we eat the bread of idleness). I have found that if I wait for a "free moment" to have fun with my kids, to visit an elderly friend, to spend some quality time with my husband, or even to put my own feet up for a bit that it will never happen.

It might sound silly but actually scheduling some of those events onto my calendar can help make sure they happen. Cleaning my house can wait, the to-do list isn't going anywhere, and the laundry will eventually get done. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never got around to the important things because I was always too busy with housework, obligations, and to-do lists.

While keeping house, following through with obligations, and working hard to accomplish to-do lists are important in a different way, we have to find balance. Balance is the key to the busy woman's life. Balance is obtained with careful planning, conviction, maturity, prayer, and being relationship oriented instead of selfish.

In my efforts to be a hard working keeper of my home, faithful to my role as wife and mother, I can not forget to take time for other things. Schedule time, set aside time, plan out times, make those times happen. Sometimes it's a lot of work, like planning a family fun day that includes an outing but it's worth the work that goes into it. You won't regret the times you took to do those things.

Take time.

Proverbs 31:11 and 12

^NIV
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

NASB
¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
¹²She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

NLT
¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

KJV

¹¹The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. ¹²She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Thoughts from Emilee and Mom-

Her husband trusts her completely. He trust her to be a good wife. She is kind and good to everyone. He has everything he needs from her. She takes care of him, meets his needs, takes care of his children and herself. She cooks and takes care of their home. She does only good for him and not harm. She is not lazy. Doing him good means the same thing as him being able to trust her. She does this not just when she feels like it but rather all the days of her life.

Giveaway!

Don't miss out on this giveaway I'm having on our family blog!

Proverbs 31:10

Did you know that Proverbs 31:10-31 is an acrostic? Each verse begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. How neat is that. Acrostics are usually meant to be memorized. Emilee and I are going to work on memorizing this section of Scripture together.

NIV
¹⁰ A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

NASB
¹⁰An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

NLT
¹⁰ Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.

KJ
¹⁰Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Thoughts from Emilee and Mama:

We are precious to God. He loves us so much. As His daughters we are worth more than rubies or gold! A man who wants a godly wife may look for one that is pretty (takes care of her appearance), loving, kind, gentle, not lazy, a good housekeeper, loves children, is a good friend, and can cook. We both need to strive to be this woman. No woman is perfect but we can try hard to have these characteristics and skills. When we strive to be an excellent wife our husbands will cherish us in the same way God does; far above jewels.

Proverbs 31

Emilee and I have been reading God's Wisdom for Little Girls together. I've also been reading God's Wisdom for Little Boys with Jon as well. When I told Emilee that there was a whole section of scripture about how to be a Godly woman, her face lit up with joy and excitement. She and I are going to embark on a little Prov. 31 Woman study together to see what we can glean from it and how we can apply those virtues to each of our lives right now. I'll be sharing it here.

in a perfect world.....

I was a new young mom standing in the pediatrician's office concerned that things weren't going the way they were "supposed" to go with my baby to which the doctor replied, "In a perfect world, yes, you are right, but we don't live in a perfect world." There are no "supposed to"s with new babies and new mothers in the sense that they all do and act the same way.

I've had that phrase, "in a perfect world..." echoing in my mind ever since that day. Anytime I had concern about the development of one of my toddlers, illnesses I didn't know were coming my way, or life changes that I was unprepared for, I hear that pediatrician saying "in a perfect world...." No, we don't live in a perfect world.

So, why am I so surprised when life throws me a curve ball? Why, when a trial comes my way and life doesn't go according to MY plan do I act as if something strange is happening to me. It's not a perfect world so I shouldn't expect things to go the way they are "supposed to go"....whatever that is. What's normal anyway?

Realizing that the world is not perfect and that life is incredibly unpredictable, out of MY control, and lacking in "supposed to"s will help me to lower my false expectations. False expectations are something I've come to realize that we women are most susceptible to. False expectations let us down and leave us confused.

The only expectation I should have is that life is going to be hard and yet, if I let Him, God will hold me through it all. It reminds me of that song by Natalie Grant; Held. Whatever your storm is today, whatever was "supposed to" happen, whichever of your expectations are crumbling, whatever has you completely desperate.....remember that in an imperfect world, trials come and it reminds us of what it means to be held by God. This applies to every area of our lives; our marriages, our parenting, our friendships, our churches, etc.

Thanks Dr. Mendelson for opening my eyes to the fact that my expectations for a perfect world are unrealistic. I'm sure he didn't realize what an impact that one phrase made on me that day.

What is realistic? I have hope in a perfect God who holds me through every imperfection life has for me.

(Dr. Mendlelson was not only my firstborn's pediatrician but also mine. My firstborn is now 10 years old. )

Day Trip Bag

I have found through the years that it's handy to have a "day trip bag" always packed and ready to go. That way anytime my husband says "hey, let's (spontaneously) go do this or that right now!" I'm mostly ready to go. It's the common picture of the husband standing by the door, keys in hand while the wife is still "getting ready". Even if it's to throw necessary items into a bag, men hate waiting.....and I hate being under pressure to think of what we might need. A "day trip bag" solves a lot of this.

The bag we use is a hibiscus print tote that was from Hawaii. We naturally call it "the Hawaii bag". Keeping it already packed with items we might need to go out for just the day has saved time and sanity. I didn't start using a "day trip bag" until we were done with diaper bags and I felt like we still needed a diaper bag to hold all of our stuff for outings!

Our "day trip bag" actually goes with us just about everywhere....it's useful for:

• going to someone's house for dinner (I often have a few special toys in it to keep my kids occupied if there are no children there to play with)
• running errands (again, I keep some books in it that my kids are reading and snacks) to help get through shopping
  
• going to Grandma's house for the day (has anything they would need for over there)
• going to the zoo, museum, picnic, beach, lake, site seeing, road trips, short drives, etc.
• vacations
  
• concerts or performances
• on the airplane
  
• even took ours to church on Sundays when the kids were younger
• church picnic, potlucks, Bible study gatherings
• short meetings when my kids needed to be occupied for a few minutes (like signing loan paperwork, buying furniture or a car, etc.)
• doctor office visits
  
• and many more places
  

Some items that have worked well for our day trip bag are:

snacks (probably the most important item! no sooner am I somewhere with my kids and they are asking for a snack, I wish I had a snack to keep them quiet, or they need a snack because it's taken longer than I thought!)
sunblock
handy wipes
lip balm
sunglasses for the kids
hat for the kids
fresh hankies
small first-aid kit
bug spray
bottled water
camera
small toys
books
kid's sleeping blankies (if needed)
mittens
a pen

What is in our bag changes with the seasons and changes with the ages of our kids. I often clean it out and throw stuff back in. The best part is that my kids know the purpose of the Hawaii bag and so when we are getting ready to go somewhere they are old enough to think of something they might want or need and toss it in the bag as well. My husband also will throw his cap in there or his sandals for example.

Make life easier for yourself and put together a "day trip bag" that is ready to go by the door. With or without kids, this concept is a time saver.

Why is etiquette important?

Etiquette is the practice of putting others first before yourself. It's the act of denying self and giving others preference. Etiquette says "I care more about not offending you than I care about going about my own way." Etiquette acted out is manners. Manners are every day ways to act selflessly. Etiquette is the discipline by which we keep selfishness in check. It's a small way to sacrifice for others.

Christ was the best example of etiquette and manners.

updated post

I've updated this post since I have a sick one currently....