well meaning comments

What is it about women and giving advice? We feel the need to drop our opinion, our suggestions, our two cents whether solicited or not. I'm pointing my finger at myself. Dear daughter, do as I say, not as I do. I'm of the more opinionated out there. I struggle to hold my tongue.

As a young mother I often felt unnecessary pressure by well-meaning advice givers.... just a side comment, a quick under the breath suggestion, or a curious probing question meant to give an opinion not really looking for an answer.

• You haven't started potty training yet??? Oh, okay, well, I guess you must like changing diapers. Giggle giggle.
• You still let him have a pacifier? He's awfully old for that. He'll never learn to talk you know.
• Are you going to let her still drink out of a sippy cup?
• When are you planning on teaching him to tie his own shoes?

These are just a few pressure comments I've had said to me or over heard other mothers say to each other. I'm sure I've said them too without realizing just how much pressure it puts on the mother receiving these comments.

I remember feeling lots of guilt. Instead of feeling supported by other mothers I was made to feel like I was failing. I was failing as a mom and I was failing my children. They were going to grow up dysfunctional in some way. Then, the light bulb went on. Wait a minute! My son isn't going to still be sucking on a pacifier when he's 18 nor is my daughter going to wear diapers to high school! Why is everyone acting like just because my child has something 6 months later than their child did that mine will somehow be forever attached to it.

Looking back I'm proud to say that my son no longer carries his blanky around, my daughter doesn't drink from a sippy cup, there isn't even one pacifier in our house, and diapers are long gone and forgotten.

I had a choice. I could stress about all of these small milestones or I could just enjoy my children. I'm not encouraging waiting till they are 10 to wean them from nursing, to take the binky away, and to finally potty train them. What I am encouraging is that we don't measure our success as a parent by other people's standards and comments. I'm encouraging you to enjoy your children. It's better to create a nurturing and loving, healthy, happy, flourishing home life than it is to be high strung, up tight, stressed and in the process create more problems for your children than necessary. Yes, you may have your 2 year old potty trained but what did you have to do to get there? If it meant a year of causing anxiety and tension between you and your baby, it wasn't worth it friend. The relationship anxiety and the resulting personality issues that may come later are not worth the rigidness in your parenting.

Every child crosses milestones at different times. There is no cut and dry handbook for raising children that's accurate. If someone claims they have the book that solves it all then they are wrong. Allow your children to develop at their own speed. Help them try out new skills of course. Be sensitive to the signals that they are ready to take steps from babyhood to childhood. Be sensitive to how many things you work on at a time. Don't make it a stress issue.

One simple thing I learned to apply to every milestone.... if progress was made in one week's time then we stuck with it. If no progress was made in one week's time, we dropped it and waited a few more months for more maturity and skill to be present. This worked like a charm and helped temper our home resulting in peace.